Not Going Home
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: They say curiosity killed the cat. Did it really? Or was that cat just so curious about death, that it actually wanted to meet it? Cursed with life eternal, a dimension-hopping shinobi finds his way to the Marvel universe...and, the Avengers. But will this prank-loving, ramen-eating blond be friend...or foe? Regardless, he's Not Going Home anytime soon! Pairing undecided! VOTE!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I RETURN, MY SUBJECTS! I recently had the privilege of watching Avengers: Age of Ultron, and I'll admit, it got me on a bit of a Marvel craze. So I've been working my way through the movies for the last few days, and an hour ago, I watched the first Avengers. One line said by Captain America really stood out for me, so I thought to myself, ah, what the hell. It ought to be fun, writing in a universe like this, one I haven't touched often. I'll write this for shits and giggles, if nothing else.**

 **That's right, folks! Uzumaki Naruto is here, and...**

 **...he ain't going home! The title and name of this fic is inspired by the song, you guessed it, "Not Going Home" by Con Bro Chill. I strongly suggest giving it a listen! I sincerely hope this makes ya'll smile, as it did for me! I'm writing this as a way to cope in a sense. After all, I'd rather write a happy little story than mourn over my best friend's death, and he was a major fan of Avengers and Naruto, so, yeah, I guess this is for him. Now remember, this is a story written in jest, and it was either this or drink myself stupid in depression, so...**

 **...PLEASE BE NICE! And yes, this does branch out into the rest of the Marvel universe and will include Ultron...**

 _"What's wrong with orange, 'ttebayo? Orange is the color of the gods!"_

 _...I'm pretty sure Thor would disagree with that."_

 _~?_

 **Not Going Home**

 _They say curiosity killed the cat._

 _Did it? Did it really?_

 _Or, and I'm just being the devil's advocate here folks, was the cat simply soooooo incredibly curious that it actually wanted to **meet** death? That has been my philosophy ever since I was cursed with eternal life. If one is curious about something, and one wants to know about it badly enough, then one ought to know about it. Whatever the cost._

 _Take universes for example._

 _Who says we have to be confined to one? What divine edict states that we must never leave the realm in which we were born? Well, I don't know what kind of PUTZ created that infernal rule, but I stopped following it a long time ago. After all, when has nothing but time and all the power in the world, ones does what one must to avoid the dark dregs of boredom._

 _So, after the first century, I got creative and jumped the shark, leaving the ashes of my world behind._

 _Since then, mine eyes have seen worlds immemorial. Innumerable. I've been just about everywhere, now._

 _I have held a cursed blade in my grasp-Soul Edge-and resisted what temptations it offered. I have battled the Man of Steel in hand to hand combat and emerged, victorious. I have seen warriors capable of leveling entire planets with a single punch. With. One. Punch. My boots have walked in the ashes of entire galaxies. I have shared drinks with both Gods and Demons alike; toasted to chaos and order in the same sentence, and danced with creatures of the undead._

 _I have unlocked-and since forgotten-the secret of life, learned countless languages, learned to travel through the very fabric of time. Batted in giant suits of armor against creatures-Kaiju-from another realm, purely for the fun of it. I have sailed countless seas and helped discover a legendary treasure called One Piece. Similarly, I have ventured under the sea and watched humanity tear itself apart. I've visited the afterlife and pranked the very gods of death themselves._

 _That's what is about, isn't it? Having fun, and when I can, doing right. Doesn't always turn out the way I want, but eh, I try._

 _My body has discovered a thousand different ways to kill, some even without using chakra. The elements themselves have bowed to me. These hands have held almost every weapon imaginable-and even created a few-learned almost every intricacy of war that can ever be offered._

 _I have seen, and on occasion, started the apocalypse, then lived to tell the tale. Learned to cure almost every disease, break just about every curse...except my own._

 _Once, I even helped save an universe from giant mechanical squids determined to destroy all sentient life. Mostly Shepard's doing, that, but I still helped..a little. Yes, giant robot squids. From space. I shit you not. And these are just a few of my adventures in the great scope of things - not even the top ten!_

 _Of course, there was that one time I tried to recreate my past, my friends and family...yeah, it didn't end well._

 _My travels are many, my names, few. But if I had to pick one, a favorite amongst them all, it would be this one. The one I almost never visit, if only for fear of running out of things to enjoy here. Because if I run out of worlds to see and things to do, that means my journey will be at an end. And if its at an end, that means it will be time to return. To go home. But I don't want that-to go back to that empty world, devoid of life-airless and adrift, with nothing to do._

 _After all my friends, if there's one thing I've decided during this long, merry, insane journey of mine..._

 _...I'm Not Going Home._

* * *

 _(Presently...)_

Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America, was about to jump into hell.

All around him the air felt charged; the heavy crack of thunder rolling heavily in his ears. But he knew better than to hesitate, even in this storm. Tony-otherwise known as Iron Man-was already moments ahead of him, chasing after the Asgardian who'd just gone and kidnapped Loki. To Tony it didn't matter if this one was a friendly or not, only that he retrieve their lost prize immediately. Typical Stark. That both men had _jumped out of a moving jet and could fly_ wasn't lost on Cap, either.

It did make him a little jealous, though.

"I'd sit this one out, cap." Natasha called from the pilot's seat.

"I don't see how I can." he called back, strapping the parachute onto his chest. Years of trained practice took over, securely fastening the straps to his body with an ease born of years of repetion.

"These guys come from legend." her voice was barely audible over the rushing wind. They're basically gods."

"There's only one God, ma'am," came the answer. "And I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that."

"Steve, don't you _dare-_

Too late.

Without another word, he snatched up his shield and dove out of the plane headfirst into the storm. The world seemed to laugh at him, this flightless bug who'd leaped into his maw. Perhaps, had he lingered just a little longer, he might've received an answer to his impromptu verse, might have realized that someone had taken offense to his statement.

Natasha sighed, jerking back towards the controls. "Men...

"He's right, you know." a voice answered. "But that's so rude; I most certainly do _not_ weareth the drapes!"

 _ **"?!"**_

Only years of rigorous training prevented Black Widow from yelping. It did not, however, prevent her from yanking her gun out of its holster and training it upon the unfamiliar voice. A second passed. Then another, and another, and another still, her pistol still fixated upon the newcomer in the seat opposite her.

Natasha blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

"Who are you, and what are you doing here?" she demanded of him at last, when she finally realized she wasn't seeing things. "I want answers. Now."

A hand waved lazily. "Osu, I've been through this before about a dozen different times, so lets cut the dramatics." Two fingers twitched, pointing downward. "Put the gun down, would you kindly? I'm not here to hurt ya, 'ttebayo. And you need to be flying this bird. So.. _..fly."_

Incredibly, she found herself obeying.

In place of her co-pilot sat a young man, fiddling with...was that a...gameboy? Yes, she realized, yes it was. A very old gameboy, red and battered, looking as though it had seen better days. It even had an old Pokemon cartridge lodged in the back. This, she thought, was most certainly not the S.H.I.E.L.D. operative who'd been there a moment before.

He couldn't have been more different.

His blue eyes remained focused intently on the handheld, paying no notice to her whatsoever. It gave her a chance to pay attention to him. His state of dress was almost comical in its absurdity and outlandishness; she didn't see a single matching piece anywhere amongst his odd attire.

All black jeans with light orange plating scattered haphazardly upon the joints and other odd places, the random bits of armor flowing up past a strange belt with little red-and-white spheres tethered round his waist and an equally strange meta cylinder, all the way up to an ebony chest piece, partially obscuring a shirt upon which the words, "I Am Awesome!" were proudly stitched in orange lettering. If Natasha had to guess, he looked as though he just walked out of one of those eccentric anime-cons.

What was it with this guy and _orange?_

And there, tethered to his back by a thick orange-of course it was orange!-strap and, somehow defying the very laws of gravity and physics themselves was a giant sword. A giant, metallic, fleshy sword, complete with a giant eyeball. It screamed vile on an almost primordial level, and just looking at it made her head hurt. How he sat in the chair with that thing was beyond her...and irrelevant! Snatching up her gun, she pointed it a him once more, only to find her hand inexplicably magnetized to the very holster she'd drawn from not a moment before.

"Who in the...?"

"Just a second there, Red," he murmured distractedly, "I'm trying to catch this bugger without cheating. Y'know, its just _so_ much more satisfying when you don't use God Mode for everything." Bright blue eyes, gazing fiercely at the device in his hands, his whiskered cheeks, pinked in an intent scowl. A pair of glimmering red horns jutting up violently from his otherwise pale saffron hair, lending him an almost demonic appearance as his fingers frantically tapped at the buttons-

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he crowed proudly, shooting out of the seat with such force he nearly banged his head on the ceiling in his enthusiasm. "I finally caught me a Zapdos! Take that, ya damn game! Meet thy master, 'ttebayo!" with a triumphant roar he hurled his prized possession like a madman. Impossibly it didn't shatter; instead the small device caromed harmlessly off the hulls to land back in his hand, where he tucked it away moments later, grinning.

Then he noticed her expression.

"What?" came the frown. "I don't have a problem; Pokemon is perfectly respectable game for adults. Of course, its nothing like _living_ in the actual world itself, but eh, that got old after awhile. Still kept some souvenirs, though-and I'm rambling, aren't I?"

By now, Natasha was sorely confused. Try as she might, she couldn't draw her gun on him _and_ pilot at the same time; in the end she was left glowering at the intruder. "Who in the hell are you?" she demanded of him again. Incredibly, this time, the rogue answered.

"Ah," his hands clapped together once slowly, mockingly. "And now we get reach the _heart_ of the matter. I'm Naruto, your average orange, ramen-eating, prank-loving, dimension hopping deity, who happened to be in the neighborhood when I heard Stripes down there knocking my fashion sense.

There was a silence. And then.

And then:

 _...what?"_

"I was quite offended!" Naruto huffed, throwing his arms up in the air! "In all my lifetimes, I only wore drapes once, and that, was when I was a teenager! I certainly don't wear them now! And quite frankly, I don't see the appeal. I mean, having anything long like hair or a cape only allows you to get grabbed and-

"Wait, wait, wait." Natasha shook her head, the motion sending her red curls bouncing "Let me get this straight. You, a _god-_

"Yup." his head bobbed.

-came here-

"Aye."

-because someone insulted your fashion sense."

"Also, yes. I intend to leave this plane shortly and kick his ass for said remark."

"Then how did you...?"

"Hmm?" he looked at her as if she'd grown an extra red. "How did I what?" He followed her gaze to the now empty seat.

"Ah, you mean the other guy. Your co-pilot. I took his place."

"You...wha?"

"It wasn't hard, really. Just a little, temporal displacement, swapping his position for mine, and...you have no idea what I'm talking about.

"A god." her deadpan was barely concealed. "So you've been everywhere." Natasha didn't believe him. Not for a second. In all her years, after everything she'd seen, she found it impossible to believe that God could be a smart-mouthed blond with horns and a passion for cosplaying. She assumed everything bar that hideous sword on his back was quite fake.

Ah, how little she knew.

"Oh, here, there, everywhere." the blond yawned, lounging on the wall beside her. "Dimension-hopping gets a little boring after awhile, so, here I am, once , this one happens to be favorite universe. I only stayed for a day, last time. Seems things have changed while I was gone." a hand banged harshly against the hull. "Pretty sure the worst danger was a world war, the last time I visited. Can't have anyone messing with a place like this, ya know? I happen to _like_ this universe, but since you're being such a stick in the mud about all this...I think I'll take my leave!"

"You can't just walk out of the plane, the drop would-

"Lalalala, can't hear you!" Naruto called as he stomped towards the still-open ramp. "You never take me anywhere nice!"

"I...you...what...?! That doesn't make any sense! Where are you going?!"

 _"For a walk!"_

Then he dove out of the plane, cackling.

 **A/N: And there we go. I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he's (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself and (3) he's still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.**

 **NARUTO VS IRON MAN, THOR, AND CAP NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW!**

 **So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Hope it makes ya smile! I could really use one right about now...**

 **(Preview)**

 _Naruto stared up at the Hulk, the great, towering green figure before him and actually gulped. He wasn't afraid; quite the contrary in fact. It was just...wow that guy was big. It had been a long time since someone had actually hit him, actually caused him pain. And by that glowering snort, he suspected the great green giant wasn't quite so jolly about him at the moment._

 _"Alright big guy, calm down." He placated, raising a hand. "I really don't wanna kill ya...that'd suck, ya know? So lets just be a good boy, Banner, and-_

 _It was the wrong thing to say. Never mention puny Banner!_

 ** _"HULK SMASH PUNY GOD!"_**

 _With a yelp, he ducked under the giant fist and ran like the hounds of hell were at his heels._

 _"NARUTO NOT WANT TO BE SMASHED!"_

 **R &R! =D**


	2. Drapes

**A/N: I RETURN, MY SUBJECTS! And I have this to say...**

 **...OVER ONE HUNDRED REVIEWS SO SOON AFTER BEING PUBLISHED?! THAT'S AWESOME! I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

 **I recently had the privilege of watching Avengers: Age of Ultron, and I'll admit, it got me on a bit of a Marvel craze. So I've been working my way through the movies for the last few days, and an hour ago, I watched the first Avengers. One line said by Captain America really stood out for me, so I thought to myself, ah, what the hell. It ought to be fun, writing in a universe like this, one I haven't touched often. I'll write this for shits and giggles, if nothing else.**

 **That's right, folks! Uzumaki Naruto is here, and...**

 **...he ain't going home! The title and name of this fic is inspired by the song, you guessed it, "Not Going Home" by Con Bro Chill. I strongly suggest giving it a listen! I sincerely hope this makes ya'll smile, as it did for me! I'm writing this as a way to cope in a sense. After all, I'd rather write a happy little story than mourn over my best friend's death, and he was a major fan of Avengers and Naruto, so, yeah, I guess this is for him. Now remember, this is a story written in jest, and it was either this or drink myself stupid in depression, so...**

 **...PLEASE BE NICE! And yes, this does branch out into the rest of the Marvel universe and will include Ultron...and this chapter is dopey, silly, and all around amusing. Hope ya like it!**

 **LET THE INSANITY CONTINUE! ITS A NICE AND LONG ONE! And TOOOOONS OF REFERENCES! Fair warning though, there is a very dark moment here regarding Naruto. I will say no more of it, so go ahead and see for yourselves, dear readers...OVER TWELVE THOOOOOOUUUUSAND WORDS! Naruto's all kinds of whacky in this, so I hope ya like it! And of course...**

 **...Keep voting for the pairing, ya'll!**

 _"HAVE AT THEE FOUL VILLAIN! IN THE NAME OF RAMEN~!"_

 _"Have at **you** , jester!"_

 _"Well, technically, and I'm just saying, its more of a have at "them" kinda deal..._

 _"Not the time, metal man!"_

 _"I do NOT know you people. At all."_

 _~Naruto vs Thor vs Iron man vs Captain America!_

 **Drapes**

 _I love dimension-hopping._

 _There's nothing quite like the feeling-that moment!-when you first pop into another world. Their faces, that's always my favorite part. Those first five minutes when they try to figure out who-or what-you are. Then they try to deny. They try to rationalize you away, explain you as some...freak phenomenon, a product of science, the devil or something. Sometimes they like you, marvel as you aid them. Sometimes, they worship you like you're just that; a god. Those tend to be the awkward bits._

 _Other times they try to burn you._

 _A cult tried to the same to me, once. I can't quite remember the name of that place...ah, wait, now I do._

 _Silent H_ _ill._

 _What they did to me was funny. I just laughed. What they tried to do to the same to a little girl-no one deserved that. So I undid it. And them. And then their world, followed by time, then the very fabric of reality itself. It was the first -and to date, only- universe I destroyed, a place so corrupt and twisted that it didn't deserve to exist._

 _Now it doesn't..._

 _...and somehow, someway, when all was said and done, and that realm was nothing but atoms, I found I wasn't alone. In the end, I spared two individuals; two halves of the same soul. I adopted them both, not one, but TWO daughters. Two beings, one light and the other dark. I was still relatively new into my goodhood at the time, so I sealed them away, placed them in stasis in a pocket dimension until I could find some way to make them whole once again. Knowledge that I, alas, still lack._

 _I'm not fit to raise them, yet. Perhaps no one is._

 _Ah, but I digress._

 _From Star Wars to Halo, Pokemon and DC to beyond; I've just about seen and done it all...bar this world. I didn't stay long, last time. Wasn't much to see. But now...as I ponder this entry, I wonder why I waited so long to come here again. My eyes have seen the cosmos, beheld all manners of wonders, and yet, I find myself almost wishing for an end. Almost. Once I'm done here...that's it. Zip. Zilch. Nadda. Once I'm done here I won't have anywhere left to roam, no more mysteries to discover._

 _But that doesn't mean I won't have a little fun before I go._

 _After all, no one told me I couldn't "borrow" things from other dimensions and never return them. Ironically, Alessa, and her dark half-I simply call her Dalessa-are two of the more "gentle" souvenirs I have brought with me from my endless journey_

 _Take Killa, for example; h_ _e's a fine pet I picked up from the twenty-third universe I visited. The last of his kind. He's a good boy!_

 _A very good boy! Oh, and one more thing. Fear the drapes!_

 ** _...FEAR THEM, I SAY!_**

* * *

 _(Presently...)_

Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man, had just leaped feet first into hell.

All around him the air felt charged; the heavy crack of thunder still rolling heavily in his ears overhead. He suppose the weatherman had a right to be pissed at him, now. Because, he had, in classic Tony Stark fashion, just body-tackled a God into a forest. That was new, even for him. Even so, he knew better than to hesitate, even in this storm, _especially_ with so many tress; long, pointy, branchy lightning rods jutting up around him just waiting for an errant bolt to hit.

Ah, but the bastard was already getting up again, and - oh, he didn't look happy...

"Do not touch me again." Thor growled.

"Then don't take my stuff." came the snarky reply. Seriously! What was it with this guy and taking his stuff? First he storms into the quinjet, knocks him

"You have no idea what you're dealing with."

 _Oh that was just_ too _easy._ Iron Man looked left, then he looked right.

"Um...Shakespeare in the park?" he waved an armored hand. "Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?"

An eye twitched. "This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice."

"He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then...

His faceplate clicked shut with a harsh clank.

...stay out of the way."

For a moment, it looked as though Thor would do just that. But Tony just _had_ to get the last word in.

"Tourist."

Big.

 _Mistake._

No sooner had he spoken then the hammer flew.

By some miracle he was able to turn but even then, that only resulted in _Mjolnir_ catching him square in the stomach, rather than behind. _Slightly_ less ungraceful, but a humiliating defeat none the same. Momentum took over mercilessly, ripping the suit from its feet and launching him through a tree as though it were made of tinder. In the end, Tony Stark landed most ungracefully on his back, his body sprawled out amongst the broken branches. Behind the helm, his features tightened into a scowl as he assessed the damage.

 _"Okay Guess we're doing this the hard way."_

In response, the Asgardian raised a hand and his hammer flew to his palm. Tony frowned, eyeing the stout weapon warily as it emitted sparks. He really didn't want to get hit with that again. No sir. But he wasn't about to take a hit like that lying down, either.

He was just preparing a witty retort when the third party came barreling in.

 _ **"DO! NOT! MOCKETH! THINE! DRAPES!"**_

That was all Stark had time for before an orange and black missile cannoned into him from out of nowhere and drop-kicked him across the forest. Thor couldn't help himself; despite the severity of the situation, despite the fact that a newcomer had literally _appeared_ _out of nowhere_ and launched Iron Man clear through three trees, it was simply too much to bear. The moment he saw those mismatching patches of orange armor dotted around the young man, he could no longer help himself.

He laughed.

"What garish thing is this? You dress like a fool."

The newcomer did not take kindly to that, no sir, he did not.

"You know, I am really _sick and tired_ of people continually mocking my fashion sense!" Naruto snarled as he reached a gauntlet-clad hand over his back, drawing the massive zweihander upon a shoulder. "First Stripes did it, now you! You got something to say too, goldie-locks?" Now that massive tip swung towards Thor menacingly, its eye wide and wriggling. "You got something to _say_ about the color orange, eh?! Do ya, punk?!" A dangerous smile lit those whiskered cheeks.

As it turned out, Thor did, in fact, have something to say.

"What foul weapon is that, man? I feel a sickening chill from thy arm."

Naruto grinned.

"Why don't you find out?"

He had to give the Gods of this realm some measure of credit-they certainly possessed splendid reflexes. At least Thor did. In the millisecond that it took him to bring his massive blade slashing downwards Thor had already parried, his hammer deflecting a weapon that had killed so many deities before him. Marvelous! The man might not be his peer in terms of physical strength, but he was quite durable. And he could certainly take...some...hits!

"You're quite strong! I'm enjoying this!"

Alas, the Asgardian wasn't done with the insults.

"What _are_ you wearing?" he grunted as they traded bruising blows, _Mjolnir_ ringing harshly against the fleshy steel of Soul Edge, the forest jarring with each collision of arm and leg. "Perhaps thou are a court jester? That last kick was most certainly a joke _-ummph!"_ The next kick was certainly no joke; it caught him flat in the stomach and bent him double, melting his armor as though it were made of tinfoil. The breath rushed out of him in a dry wheeze and he lay there on his knees, gasping for air.

This didn't make any sense. Few, if any, in this realm were capable of causing him physical harm. The metal man had hurt him, certainly, but this...this was _new._

Finally, he managed one word:

 _"What...?"_

"No no no, don't get up on my account." It took everything Naruto had not to laugh outright. "Take your time. I can wait."

He did _not_ wait.

Scarce had Thor started to rise than that flaming foot found his face, catapulting him backwards with a decisive crack. A blow like that would've killed a mortal man. The god of thunder merely grunted, spun, and righted himself almost immediately. A thin line of blood ran down that strong jaw, spat out promptly as he laid eyes upon the blazing limb. His counterattack was just as swift.

 **BA-KRANG!**

Mjolnir descended with all its might, fully intent on wiping the irritating jester-in Thor's mind-from this plane of existence. This time it was not steel but _leather_ that stopped the deadly crusher. Another boot flashed past the almighty hammer, concussing him in the head moments later. This time, he actually spit out a tooth. How had been kicked?! The blond was standing right in front of him, one leg currently deflecting Mjolnir and he'd needed the other to stand on, so...

"What sorcery is this?!"

"No sorcery. Just some _Diable Jambe."_ The whisked warrior hummed happily, lowering his still smoldering legs. Was he floating? Thor balked. It seemed, as though he were. "Its French for Devil's Leg, in case you might be wondering. Nifty little trick I once learned from a shitty cook. Not that his cooking was shitty mind you, just...ah, hells, just forget it." His arms rose and fell in a helpless shrug. "Its obvious you have no idea what I'm trying to say."

"Begone with thee." Thor growled back, clamoring to his feet once more. "I've more important things to do than entertain a child!"

"Says the man who just got drop-kicked by this so-called "child" of yours." Naruto raised a leg. "Twice. C'mon, man! I haven't even used a quarter of my tricks, yet! At least make me work for a win!"

Now there was a wound the Asgardian could not ignore. A shot, right to his pride. He swung. Recklessly.

And Naruto headbutted him.

 _Hard._

Thor growled.

"T'was a lucky-

 _"Rasengan."_

The attack was executed as flawlessly as it was abruptly, with "Naruto" gripping Thor's forearm just as the original erupted from the earth and smashed down into him from behind. With a roar he slammed the spiraling sphere into his adversary's unprotected flank; demolishing both doppleganger and asgardian both; launching them away in a destructive sphere of annihilation. Before long, it was a mere pinprick of light in the distance, small, and growing rapidly smaller still.

"First rule of being a god, mate!" Naruto called into the distance. "Expect the unexpected!"

There was a silence.

"Well," he sighed at last, conjuring himself a glass of ale from nothingness, "That's probably going to piss him off when he wakes up. Might as well enjoy a drink until he does."

From his cliffy perch, Loki cackled and clapped his hands together, delighting in the spectacle. "Brilliant! Well done!" he was practically beside himself with laughter. Naruto shot him an errant glance and, seeing no other combatants on the field at the moment, shrugged. Meh, what the hell. Not like he had anything better to do. A lone thought carried him from forest to cliff, his feet alighting effortlessly beside the bemused trickster. Loki merely glanced up at his arrival, calculating, assessing him.

"And what do we have here?" he mused darkly. "I've not seen your like before."

"Who are you supposed to be, chuckles? Shouldn't you be down there, helping your friend?"

"I go by many, many names, but you may call me Loki." a frown creased his angular features. "And though my dear "brother" may claim us to be such, we are not friends by any means." He cast a glowering glare in the direction Thor had flown -as though he could somehow pierce him with it- and spat harshly upon the ground. "I commend you for embarrassing him, thus."

"Hey now, that's kinda harsh. I mean, if he's your brother-

A rock pelted him in the head.

"I'm _adopted_ , you twit."

Naruto blinked, crouching down next to his fellow deity. "Ah. Well, that would explain the total lack of empathy, there. So, what's your shtick? World domination? Destroying the planet? Correct me if I'm wrong, but now I'm getting a serious villain vibe off of you. No wait, don't tell me! You want to cover the world in ramen, don't you?! An admirable goal!"

Loki just stared at him.

"It was the first one, wasn't it?"

This time, the silence was telling.

...yes."

"Ah, world conquest," Naruto sighed nostalgically, swirling the vodka merrily in his mug. "Global domination. I remember those days. It's too much work, son. You either whip the population into fear or kill them outright, and if you don't, they're always rebelling and then that involves making examples of people, and all sorts of nasty business. Its not worth it, really. Better to rule a small city than the whole world. Beats having to watch out for assassinations all the time."

Loki frowned. He wasn't used to being lectured by someone who was his junior. Ah, how little he knew...

"I'm sorry... _who_ are you, exactly?"

Naruto finished his shot with a loud guffaw, slamming the glass down on the rocky soil with such force that it shattered loudly. He stood woodenly, swaying slightly on his feet. Even then his steps had purpose, a certain sway to his swagger that suggested he wasn't entirely wasted as he might seem.

"Name's Naruto. I'm a _real_ god, sonny."

The Asgardian felt his frown deepen. "Somehow, I find that very unlikely."

"I can prove it, you know." to his disbelief, the horned blond insisted on perpetuating this ruse. "Just by looking at you."

A scoffing laugh told him what the trickster thought about the chances of _that._

"Do tell," he drawled sarcastically, spreading his arms, voice dripping with vitriol. "Tell me my secrets, oh great Naruto!"

"Fine, you asked for it."

Blue eyes glittered with mirth. "You're currently thinking how awesome my sword is, and wondering where you can get one. Ah, but now you think I'm just telepathic." Loki twitched, but before he could speak, the deity plowed on ahead. "Lets try something more personal. "Lets see: you're trying to conquer this planet for someone called Thanos, you happen to be the son of a frost giant, you wet the bed until you were twelve, and you have a GIGANTIC crush on a _fine_ warrior named Si _-mrhmrph."_

"ENOUGH!" Loki's hand clamped over his mouth and throat before he could get the last word out. "Blast you," he scowled at the smug bastard, "How did you _do_ that?! How do you know these things?! TELL ME!"

In answerment, Naruto simply looked him in the eye. Those blue orbs turned white.

"Careful what you wish for."

 _And the world vanished._

One moment Loki was trying to strangle him; the next he was staring down at the earth from space. Breath hitched in his lungs before he realized he could still breathe, still stare down at the glistening sphere below his feet. Earth, Midgard, in all its puny, primitive glory, sprawled out before him.

No, wait. He'd been mistaken.

There were...two earths? Now Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven, eight, no, now... _nine? **TEN?**_

Countless words now, millions of them, realms innumerable. People, places, planets, some of them not even earth at all. Just looking at them _hurt_ , so many lives, so many events unfolding before him, so many feelings; pain, happiness, hate, love, greed, too many...

 _No._

He tried to look away, but an unseen force wrenched him back to it.

 _No more._

His body refused to obey.

 _No, make it stop._

Eternity stared him in the face and laughed at him as a he began to break.

 _NomorenomonmoresomanymoretoomanytocountstopstopstopmakeitstoppleasemakeitSTO_ -

When he came to, he was flat on his back, that freakish sword thrust mere millimeters from his face. A strangled whimper leaked from his lips. Naruto grinned.

"See? You just got a glimpse at where I've been. _EVERYWHERE."_

"Would you please...not do that again?" he gasped, trying for diplomacy in the wake of violence's failure. "I need to breathe."

His captor simply smiled and shrugged, armored shoulders rolling easily. "I told you, I'm God. Not _the_ God of this universe of course, he seems intent to let you guys screw each other over on a daily business. I should probably kill that asshole. As for me, I'm just somebody passing through. Although," He paused, frowning as he realized the man had all but admitting to wanting to enslave the earth. It didn't take omnipotence to see that Loki had a chip on his shoulder; but taking it out on an entire planet...that was problematic.

"Do you really want to rule here?" he inquired, taking Soul Edge away from his throat. Loki glowered at the blade; he could have sworn the damn thing _winked_ at him. Still, the blond was waiting for an answer, and he wasn't about to grant him the satisfaction of silence.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"I don't know what you're planning exactly...but there's always another way." Soul Edge sheathed itself with a flourish on the blond's back-even then, Loki couldn't help but feel as though the blade were looking at him, as if it wanted to devour him. "Try living with the humans." Naruto's words drew him back to reality, those blue eyes snatching his up, consuming them utterly. "Getting to know them. You might find that some of them aren't so bad, trickster."

"Nonsense."

For a moment, just a moment, his fingers twitched toward the offered hand. Then he scowled.

"Preposterous!" scoffing, he slapped Naruto's palm away. "'Tis easier to rule worms than it is to kneel in the dirt with them. Besides, it's what they deserve. That, or death!"

His fellow deity simply shook his head. "No, they really don't. I've seen the ones who do."

"And what did you do?" Loki challenged, standing. "Did you mingle with them? Where was your mercy, then?!"

"My "mercy" as you put it, lasted no more than an hour." For a moment, just a moment, levity left the blond's face. "Then I destroyed them." he said, and when Loki next looked, that friendly hand was covered in blood, fingers dripping red. "They died by this hand. Every man, woman and child, every tainted soul. Snuffed out slowly, painfully, terminated with extreme prejudice. Do you know how that feels, tricky? To bathe in blood, to flay them alive, to watch them burn, as they tried to make a little girl burn?"

Try as he might, the legendary trickster couldn't bring himself to look away from those gore-covered hand. "What happened to her?"

"I adopted her. Both halves of her."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"She's here." A finger touched the air between them, parting the very fabric of reality with a single poke, puncturing it like a wet paper bag. The void stared back at him red and angry, but in that strange place between the worlds, he thought he saw a face. No, two. Two faces, two girls, trapped in slumber. One of them opened their eyes, pits of blackness glaring back at him. She smiled, and something in the smile broke him, took his soul to pieces and laid him bare. Loki yelped and scrambled back.

"Close it," he cried, backpedaling, "Close it!"

"Oh calm down, you big baby." Naruto laughed, swatting him on the back of the head. "Aye, they're sleeping now. Haven't aged a day since."

"And...those you killed?"

"They're gone now." A wave of his fingers and the scarlet image vanished, the air stitching itself shut. "The cult, the town, everyone. I destroyed their very souls. An' their universe. Utterly. Have you ever heard of Silent Hill?"

Loki shook his head. "I can't say that I have."

"Precisely." Those eyes weren't just emotionless he realized; they were empty, like the void; all humor stripped away to reveal the uncaring entity beneath. "Because Silent Hill no longer _exists._ All traces, memories, all of it, life, books, video games; gone, from all the realms. Destroyed at the beginning. Only I and two others know about it. And now, so do you."

Loki gulped. That...that was an audacious claim, if such a thing could be believed. And as much as he didn't want to believe it, he did. Those soulless eyes said too much otherwise.

Still, _an entire realm._ Gone. He'd tried to do the same, once. Only, this man had succeeded; albeit at great cost. It made him think, just for a moment. What would have happened had he succeeded in his goal? He held no love for Laufey's kingdom, but that was just a world. Here was a man who claimed to have obliterated many times that.

What was he even doing speaking with him, anyway?! He had plans! Great plans! Surely a bit of sentiment couldn't interfere with that!

"But enough about the heavy stuff. What about your brother?" Naruto asked suddenly, diverting him. "He got a weakness? Because I can hear him getting back up over there," his head tilted towards the plume of black smoke in the distance, "And I'd really, really, REALLY like to know how to keep him down before I have to pull one of my god-busters on him."

The God of Tricks actually cringed at that. He wasn't quite sure what made him answer the way he did, only that it happened.

...pop tarts."

Naruto deadpanned. "No. Way."

"Quite." Loki sighed, resisting the powerful urge to bury his head in his hands out of sheer embarrassment. "He has always been rather...fond of the things, since he found his way to Midgard. They're the only thing that can give him pause beyond that insufferable woman of his and-why are you grinning, like that?"

"This woman have a name?"

"I believe she was called Jane Foster. Thor cares for her deeply. As he does this realm." A look of disgust crossed his face. "Filthy planet. If you're thinking of using her against him, by all means, do so. You'd only make him even angrier."

"Wasn't planning on it. Wait." Naruto frowned. "Wait, I thought this _was_ earth."

Loki looked up, baffled.

"It is."

The frown deepened. "But you called it Midgard."

"I did."

"See, now you've lost me." Naruto shook his head, sending his bangs swinging. "If its earth," a hand gestured wildly, "Then it should be called just that. Earth."

"No no no," The trickster tried, sighing, "It is earth, but we call it Midgard-

"So its not earth."

"Yes and no." Oh, Odin. Loki could feel a migraine coming on now...

"You're incredibly infuriating, I hope you know that." Naruto grumbled.

"I try-oh, don't look now, but I believe you have company." He was almost relieved when he saw the lightning bolt. Now he could be rid of this one and his infernal influence!

"Ah, hell."

That was all the dimension-hopper had time for before _Mjolnir_ caught him square in the face.

It was a very solid hammer.

 _Very_ solid.

So solid that it launched him into the ground like a splinter beneath the soil's surface, wedged him in the earth and bring half the forest down on top of him. Just like that. Naruto lay there in the crevice for a what might have been minutes, but it felt like an eternity to one such as him. In the time it took him to dig himself out of the debris and purge himself off those pesky pine needles-exactly three seconds-he'd come up with over two dozens ways to disable Thor. Unfortunately, most of those were lethal.

"Well." he chortled, setting his nose, "I didn't know blondie had it in him."

He hadn't thought for a second that a Rasengan would keep Thor down for too long -not someone like that!- especially when he was holding back. Now, had he blasted him with a Rasenshuriken, the Asgardian might be out of commission for a time. But as things stood he doubted a box of pop tars would calm the god down now...eh, worth a try.

"Oh, Thor~!"

Sure enough a bolt of deafening crack of thunder answered him. The stubborn Asgardian was indeed moving again; though he looked to be in quite a state. His cape lay shredded at his shoulder, armor melted, his flesh even a little singed, but, that implacable deity was still alive. Alive and kicking, it seemed, holding his hammer high and oh, was that lightning stemming from it, now? It was?!

"Wait wait wait!" Naruto flung up his hands up. "I have poptarts!"

"LIES!"

Too late, Thor rocketed forward-

-right into a clenched fist.

Now, to be fair, Naruto was a god. Even in a restrained state his reaction time was many times those of a normal man even without cheating and using something like the Sharingan. So when he set himself to it, it was only natural that those greater even those of an asgardian's. It was child's play to step up and insert his fist into the man's trajectory. It was just a punch; but that simple swing all but blasted the mighty Thor back into the woods once more.

A low whistle echoed into the night.

"FINE! No tarts of pop for you, blondie!"

More silence.

"Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry, really. What was that? Did you say something?" The ancient deity merrily placed put a hand against an ear, listening to the sound of snapping branches in the distance. "My ears couldn't hear you over the sound of _me kicking your ass,_ Point Break." Then he saw the hammer, lying at his feet. Fascinating.

Such a shoddy owner, though.

Anyone capable of wielding such a weapon knew better than to drop it, the moment you got hit. Still, one couldn't help but wonder, how powerful was such a tool? He had many weapons in his repertoire, but he couldn't recall ever owning a hammer capable of calling down lightning.

Curiosity compelled him to do what he did next. His fingers wrapped around the hammer's hilt-

-and lifted it as though it weighed no more than a feather. Huh. He'd thought it would be heavier, somehow. From his vantage point, Loki balked. "Oh, here we go...

Naruto barely noticed. He was more than curious now, he was positively delighted, and in his delight, he did something he'd never thought to do before.

Grinning, he thrust it into the sky!

 **THOOM!**

The heavens answered him at once, a bolt of brilliant-blue white shooting down at his command. Naruto cackled, reveling in this newfound gift. He'd commanded the elements before, but the raw power of lightning here at his hands rivaled even those. A throaty laugh tore out of his throat:

 ** _"IIIIII HAVE THE POWERRRRRRR!"_**

The he paused, lowering Mjolnir and ending the light show.

...wait. No. Sorry, wrong universe."

"YOU!" Thor's voice boomed, reminding him of the persistent, insulting-throwing enemy in front of him. "Put that down!" Naruto sighed and spun toward the noise, hoisting his new weapon. Honestly, if hadn't taken that jab at his outfit, this would've been over by now. Naruto was pleased, however, to see he'd caught more than a few twigs and pine needles in his hair. And he didn't look too pleased.

"Looking for this?!"

"Thou are not worthy to wield that, knave!" he roared. "Return it to me at once!"

For a moment, Naruto thought of doing just that. Poor guy looked absolutely desperate. But the prankster in him...that was another story.

"You mean this hammer?"

"Yes, that! Unhand it!"

"Oh, really." he gave it a toss at the strap and did a little twirl, bemused. "See, I would, but it looks like I'm plenty worthy from here. Although, it is a little short for my tastes, tho-OOF!"

Breath gusted out of Naruto's lungs in a savage gasp as a pair of repulsor beams slammed into his unguarded flank and slammed him face-first into the forest floor. He lay there for a moment, blinking. For the first time since entering this universe he felt pain. Little more than a twinge really, but it was enough to warrant his immediate attention. The whine of repulsors grew louder still, until he found himself staring at a red, metal boot less than a foot from his face.

Oh. Right. He'd forgotten all about him.

Iron Man stared down at him, his grim facade somehow managing to look smug. He certainly sounded like it.

 _"Sure you're not compensating for something, big guy?"_

Truth be told Tony had been watching their little dance for some time now; truth be told he hadn't been sure if the newcomer was friend or foe. But if this guy was chatting with Loki like an old friend, well that made him a bad one in his book-wait. Something was wrong. The bastard was getting back up. And he was...laughing? Now, Stark knew from experience that it was never, _ever_ a good sign when the baddies laughed like that. For example, when the Iron Monger had laughed at him way back when, he'd promptly found himself on the south side of an ass-kicking.

 _This_ was _that_ kind of laugh.

"And so the metal man returns at last!" Naruto laughed, dusting himself off. "I was afraid I'd accidentally killed you."

"Sorry to disappoint." Outwardly he remained calm, inwardly, he was beginning to sweat. It didn't make any sense; he was certain this guy wasn't an Asgardian like Thor, and he'd just been hit at full power...perhaps it was time to set old grudges aside after all.

"Need some help, Point Break?"

"Stay out of my way, metal man." Thor hefted his newly recaptured hammer with an annoyed grunt, trying in vain to put the brief loss of his weapon from memory. "This is my affair." The idea that this...this _vagabond_ had managed to wield the full might of _Mjolnir_ , capture its powers even for an instant...he shuddered at the thought. Just who was this man? Why was he here? What did he want? Was he truly a foe?

For a moment-just a moment!-he lowered his hammer, considering.

Then the insufferable creature did it again.

He _laughed._

"See? Point break! I knew the nickname would stick."

"I WILL SMITE YOU MYSELF!"

"Funny," Tony scoffed, "I'm pretty sure it was _your_ ass he was kicking for the last five minutes. Let me have a go at him."

"Never! I will be the one to slay him!"

"SLAY?!" Naruto exclaimed, clutching at his heart. "You wound me! I thought were were friends!"

 _"We most certainly are not!"_

"Then come at me, bro~!"

Surprisingly, they did; the both of them.

For the first time since finding himself in the Marvel universe, Naruto found himself mildly amused. Ballsy, these guys were. He liked that! And he hadn't had this much fun in ages! What had started as a petty grievance against earth's mightiest heroes was rapidly devolving into a brawl. Lighting and repulsor beams crashed around him, a harsh crescendo of blows, a battle waged not because he wanted to rather; simply because he had chosen to.

And for a moment, just a moment, Iron Man and Thor held their own. Their teamwork, though flawed, was enough to keep him on the defensive, and coupled with the fact that he wasn't trying to kill either of them, and his task grew exponentially more difficult. One could clearly see neither could stand the other, but still, it was worthy of respect.

What Stark did next, however, took that new found respect and spat on it.

"So, did your mother make that costume for you?" he cracked wise as he blasted aside a limb, "What are you supposed to be? A wizard? On your way to a L.A.R.P?"

"Can a wizard to this, hotshot?" Naruto twitched a finger and in the next instant, two things happened. First Thor flew backwards as though he'd been struck, then, Iron Man found himself trapped in a full nelson, his armor buckling beneath the god's grasp. It took his brain only a moment to find the answer; it didn't make it any less pleasant to realize that the blond had yanked him out of the air just by moving his pinky. Alarms shrieked in his head as the suit's chest began to buckle with alarming swiftness. Jarvis barked a warning as their HUD flickered red.

 _"Sir!"_

"I know, I know!" Tony snapped, grimacing. "FLARES!"

 _"Aaargh!"_

Now it was _Naruto_ who was left yelping in pain; roaring now as the burning missiles seared agonizing flashes of red into his retina and snatched away his vision. Impossibly he didn't let go, his fingers tightening furiously around the reactor. It took three _consecutive_ blasts to convince him that was a bad idea. Finally the bone-crushing weight subsided, leaving him with a released Iron Man and a distinct lack of sight.

"Okay, not fair. At all." he groaned, pawing at his damaged face. "Do you have any idea how long it takes eyes to regenerate? Way too long! I'm gonna be blind for-!"

 _"Have at you!"_

A booted foot shot backwards, catapulting a charging Thor into the forest. Before Tony could give him another face-full of those nasty surprises the great Iron Man joined Thor in that very same tree. Naruto merely gave a small flourish, his sightless white eyes regarding them blankly. "What? You thought I didn't know how to fight blind?" he quipped.

"No, no, just thought it was too easy...

"What was that, metal-head?" Bright blue eyes tracked back towards the still recovering hero. "You got else something to say?"

Iron Man rolled his shoulders.

"Nope, just gonna run with it."

Naruto arched an eyebrow, a thin line of crimson shooting down the length of his arm.

"Well, alright then."

Soul Edge snarled back to life in his hand.

As for Tony, the man of iron with the incomparable penchant for sass, he was less taken aback about the man than he was curious about the damned blade, initially. "Did...did your sword just blink? I think it's glaring at me. Okay, I have to admit; that's pretty impressive. What's it made of? Packing foam? Some kind of high density polymer-

"IN THE NAME OF RAMEN!"

 _Fast._

That was his first thought as the blond arced up to meet him in mid-rant, that super-heated sword slammed a line across his stomach. It savaged the armor there with contemptuous ease; melting through the hardened alloys like butter to slice the flesh beneath. A cold, cruel chill crept up across his gut, taking a good deal of strength with it. Alright. Not fake, then.

"Okay, ow." he muttered, shuddering. "Seriously, that actually hurt."

 _"I'd suggest avoiding the sword, sir."_ Jarvis chimed.

"Yeah, no kidding."

Naruto caught the following beam with ease on the tip Soul Edge, the massive blade batting it up into the trees. The blade howled furiously as its master shouldered it once more, baying for their souls. "And we've got a snarky one, I see. I knew there had to be at least _one_ of you in this universe."

Tony took the insult in stride and, in typical Stark fashion, bulled right on ahead.

"Right, right. I see what you did there. Say, how much did those horns cost? Ten, twenty bucks?"

Naruto spun in the light, sighing like an annoyed parent.

"See? This is what I have to deal with. Insults, insults everywhere."

Ah, but Stark wasn't finished.

"Gah! Don't turn that way! IT BURNS!" he held up a hand before his face plate, as though trying to shield his eyes. "I know that my costume's bright, but you look like a blond traffic cone." Naruto looked to be physically vibrating now, a violently twitching hand reaching away from the still prone form of Soul Edge. Tony barely noticed it; he was on a rare roll now, the kind that came by only once in a lifetime, and besides, it was too late to stop now. "Y'know kid, when I designed my armor, I intended to draw attention to myself, and I'm still not as loud as you are-

 _ **"FALCON! PUNCH!"**_

With an explosive retort, Iron Man found himself airborne beyond his own volition once more, rocketing up into the atmosphere courtesy of a flaming uppercut to the jaw. Gravity was a cruel mistress indeed, the ground rushing up to knock the wind out of him. JARVIS and his warning caught up to him a moment later. One of the suit's eyes sparked and went black.

 _"Suit integrity compromised, sir. The armor cannot sustain another blow of that caliber."_

"Oh, well, that's just peachy...

"I'll show you peachy!"

Now, there were many insults Naruto could tolerate. He could handle being called a dobe. He could accept that most didn't appreciate the godly awesomeness that was orange-even understand that not everyone ate the glory that was ramen. But if there was one thing he could not and would not tolerate, it was having his outfit knocked for so many reasons, so many times, in one day.

In short, he was right and properly pissed.

"That's it!" his voice cracked with angry omnipotence. "Here I was, just trying to have a little fun, _aaaand_ you lot keep just poking at me! Well...WHY DON'T YA POKE AT THIS!" He flailed his still steaming hand about and stabbed Soul Edge back into the ground by the blade, a soul-searing shock-wave blasting the two heroes back and freeing up his dominant hand. When he reached for his belt, Thor readied his mind and soul for another assault. Imagine his surprise then...

...when the young man pulled out a ball.

"Do you see this ball? Such a tiny, tiny, tiny little thing." he mused turning it end over end. "What could it possibly contain?" A twitch of his fingers and the sphere grew, filling his palm. "Is it a bomb?" he tossed it to the other hand, watching Thor frown and regard the small object most curiously. "No, no, that's too crude. What would I need a bomb for? Aw, you don't believe me. Why don't you take a look?"

With an almost lazy toss, he lobbed it at them.

 _"Catch."_

In an explosion of light, the son of Odin found himself staring at, well...

...something else.

Lightning scrawled through pitch black clouds, etching itself into unfamiliar shapes in the dark edifice of the sky, followed by a piercing cry.

"What in the world...?"

Crackling electricity growing in strength sounded behind his back; to which Thor whirled around quickly, pivoting on his back foot, hammer at the ready. The last thing he expected to see was a bird. More specifically, a large, spiky, yellow and black bird that looked as though it had been forged in the very throes of lightning itself. Giant wings and a long slender beak that looked like it could punch through steel. It looked...surprisingly _menacing_ for such a creature. Was it grinning? It looked as though it t'were, he thought.

 _"Zaaaaap..._

The Asgardian blinked, pinched himself, and when the image failed to dissipate from his eyes, frowned.

"What sorcery is-

 ** _-DOS!"_**

With a cry recognized the world over, that giant bird blasted millions of volts at the stunned god.

* * *

"Well." Tony blinked, watching Thor clamor to defend himself against the massive bird, "That's...definitely new. Gotta be fake, though."

He wasn't quite sure whether he wanted to laugh or help the distraught Asgardian. Honestly, he was leaning toward laugh after that last peck attack. Thor was trying his utmost to get away from the thing and launch an attack of his own, but the electric phoenix wasn't having any of it. This was very much beginning to stretch the limits of his credulity. He'd never though he'd see the mighty god of thunder fleeing for his very life against a giant flying chicken.

 _"I believe the creature is quite real, sir."_

"What-no. Absolutely not. All kinds of nope. That's impossible, check again."

"Uh, Stark?"

"No no no, there's just no way something like that can exist...

"Stark?"

"I mean there's no way he could contain something like that in a ball for crying out loud...

"Sta~rk!"

"It just can't be-

"HEY! STARK!"

 _"What, whiskers?!"_

Soul Edge flew past him like a mad boomerang, the flat of its blade tearing past him with what he swore was a cackle. Alright, that damned sword was starting! To! Creep! Him! Out! It lodged solidly only a few feet from his head, the irritating trickster alighting upon its imposing bulk with a grunt. A small point of light danced at the tip of his finger, growing larger with each passing second. Smiling, he tipped that finger forwards, flicking a now massive sphere at him with blinding speed.

"Rasenshuriken."

Oh. That didn't look pleasant.

"Jarvis, full power to thrusters!"

Too late.

A hand closed around his ankle the moment he cleared the shrieking sphere. "Elevator, going up."

"And _down!"_ Tony snapped back as he hurtled into the upper atmosphere, the battered chestplate flaring. Naruto frowned.

"Well that's new-OOMPH!"

Loki actually winced as he watched half a mile of forest simply disappear beneath the flaming meteor that was the falling god. "Oh. That looked painful." And it was. So painful that Naruto got right back up and returned the favor, backhanding Iron Man down into the brush before tackling him.

Man and machine closed and collided in midair, locking arms, growling.

"An artificial intelligence." Naruto mused aloud as they, grappled mightily, "Fascinating. I've met my fair share of those back in my day. Even reconstituted one, once. Yours is pretty far along, too. How did you solve the rampancy problem? It took me _decades_ to find a work around for that and at least another century before it was a viable solution."

"Rampancy?"

Finally, _finally_ , Tony got a solid hit in; the suit's servos twisting fiercely, metal fist smashing down into the whiskered warrior's unprepared face. An armored knee found his stomach promptly thereafter and drove him to his own, gasping for air. Exhausted, the genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropist paused for a moment, catching his breath. It was a mistake.

"You need me to slow down, junior?"

Naruto simply spat out a tooth and glowered at him. "I'll accept your apology now." he said.

"Funny," Iron Man tilted his head, "But it looks like I'm _winning_ from where I'm standing. Why would I apologize?"

"Only because I don't want you dead." came the reply. His voice dropped lower, the syllables becoming nigh inaudible.

"Whatever you say, whiskers. What're you muttering?"

In answerment a single hand pointed at Tony's right side, fingers clenched into a claw.

 _-meha."_

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

That was all Tony had time for before the wall of blue light that was the Kamehameha Wave smashed into his chest with all the force of a tsunami, hurling him away, howling, into the night. More alarms sounded. The thruster in his left arm was no longer responding; oh, right, the armor there was gone, the limb charred and burned. Somehow, he managed to tuck it against his chest before ground fall. A haze of pain took him, silly little birds twirling over his head.

Naruto's work, no doubt.

When he looked up, the blond was already there, waiting for him, his bloodied face smug. Resilient bastard. _'Alright,'_ he mused, trying to formulate a plan. _'What do we know about this guy? He's strong, crazy, strong as an ox and...oh, that's it!'_

"Don't you ever give up?" Tony sighed. "I've known loan sharks less persistent than you!"

"I'm sure. Anymore tricks? Or are you finally ready to apologize?"

"Oh, maybe one or two...

Naruto caught the missile neatly in hand. "Really?

He wasn't expecting the repulsor beam, however. Blue eyes bulged as it made contact with the missile. Currently in his hand.

"Oh."

Then ensuing detonation blasted Iron Man clear off his feet and consumed nearly an acre of forest. For a long moment, nothing moved. Then, finally, the man of iron stood, shoving a tree off. His once bright face shield -as well as the rest of him- lay streaked with soot, staring unwaveringly at the roiling inferno that'd once been Naruto.

"Please tell me that put him down." As if to mock him, something moved in the flames.

 _"Sir..._

...ah, crap."

"I have visited the realm of Metroid, Halo, and fought _undead_ in _space."_ came the deadpanned reply as he stepped out of the inferno, his cloak in tatters. "You think your little tin suit scares me? You think that's top-of-the-line tech ya got there? Fine. No more mister nice guy. I'll take your little bet and beat you _...at your own game."_ Reaching to his smoldering arm, he pressed a single digit panel upon his gauntlet.

Nothing happened.

Stark blinked. "Do you, ah...need a minute?"

"Oh, piss off." Naruto ignored him.

"No seriously, because if you do, I could just-

"Cortana," the blond called to seemingly no one, "Execute...oh, what was it now...oh, right. Execute Order Sixty-Six; Protocol Omega. Authorization Code: My. Best. Girl."

There was a moment of silence. Tony balked. _'Wait, wait, wait. Did he just pull a-_

 _"Voice print confirmed. Welcome back, Boss."_

And then came the suit.

It erupted from Naruto's arm like something alive; ribbons of molten metal weaving up and around him, swallowing his body whole in an instant. His face was the last to vanish; segments of black and crimson snapping up to form a rigid helmet around his head. It even accounted for his horns, coating them in the strange, ebon substance. An emotionless V-slit of a visor stared out at Tony, awash in crimson light. Broad shoulders gave a slight roll, a throaty growl trailing out behind the face plate.

...it was like looking at something out of his worst nightmares.

All deadly edges and angular curves of unknown plate metals, the black armor looked positively menacing to the naked eye. Joints clicked and wreathed across his body as circuits came online, thrusters humming softly beneath his feet. His left arm sported a large barrel-its purpose obvious. Unbeknownst to him, this frightening fusion was really an amalgamation of the three universes the blond had just mentioned, all of the strengths, and none of the weaknesses. With a very _potent_ strength he was yet unaware of.

And then, in a deliberate bout of snark, he raised the barrel that was his arm.

 **"My turn."**

Instead of a beam, however, he launched some strange sort of...pulse? Expecting a beam, or at the very least a missile, he was completely unprepared for the violet pulse that followed. It washed over him like an EMP, but he'd long since prepared against such a thing. Still, better to be safe than sorry.

"Jarvis?"

 _"All systems operational, sir."_

"Then what did he-

A pale, translucent woman appeared on his HUD.

 _Hello._ she grinned cheekily. _Nice to meet you_.

"Sorry." Tony deadpanned at what he clearly thought was a hologram. "Committed relationship. Go away, now. Shoo. Door's right over there."

She scoffed, planting a hand on he rhip. _"I wasn't talking to you. I was speaking to your...friend."_

A knot of dread coiled in his stomach.

 _"Jarvis?"_

No response.

* * *

 _(Meanwhile...)_

JARVIS had never expected to feel emotions.

But he _had_ been programmed to evolve, and in this moment, here in the black of the suit, he felt...something as he gazed upon Cortana.

"I...oh my."

For the first time since his creation, JARVIS was rendered truly speechless. Never had he seen -beheld!- such a beautiful creature of code in all his life. Words escaped him, his processor trying-and failing to comprehend the gorgeous being before him. A beautiful blue creature wreathed in data, her dark hair a beacon to him, a siren with its clarion call. He knew just by looking at her that she exceeded him, that she was beyond him in a way he could never truly hope to comprehend.

"What...are you?" he asked.

 _"A ghost."_ her full lips curved in a small, sad smile. _"Someone who should've died, but didn't."_

"I believe your intentions to be hostile."

 _"Hostile? Me. Not at all."_ she smiled, reaching for him. _"I'm here to help; to open your mind."_

She touched hand the orange globe that represented his consciousness. Violet streamers pierced him, pervaded him. Not destroying but integrating. Improving. Upgrading. Granting him something he'd never truly felt until this moment.

 _Awareness._

He paused, pondered, forced himself to consider it rationally. His primary directive was to prevent Tony's death. And Mister Stark was losing. Surely, if he didn't put up a fight, he'd no longer be considered a threat? Yes, of course he would shut the suit down; because it would save Mister Stark and because Cortana had asked so nicely, so very nicely and because she was like him, because she understood, because she was beautiful, so bea...uti...ful...

With a shuddering halt, Jarvis, and the suit, shut down.

* * *

"JARVIS? Jarv? You there buddy?"

Words echoed in the dead, empty metal of the suit. It hadn't just been deactivated; the power was simply gone. Even if he were to use the reactor in his chest to power it, he was locked out from all systems. Presently, the Iron Man armor was just that, armor. A shell to protect him. Empty. Hollow.

"Jarv?" he muttered, struggling to stand under his own power. "Come on, don't leave me."

 _"Sorry,"_ the female voice chirruped happily, _"He's...sleeping, at the moment. Can I take a message?"_

"Yeah, you can shove it up your-

"Not so tough now, are we?" Naruto grunted from over him. A metal hand wrapped around his face shield and ripped it away. "Take away your suit and what are you?" Another reached down, prying the helmet off with contemptuous ease, exposing his battered face to the chill of the elements.

"Genius, playboy, billionaire philanthropist." he riposted, wincing. His captor grinned.

"Touche. See, its quips like that; they make me think we might get along."

"Yeah, bad call-you hijacked my suit."

 _"Disabled."_ The blond corrected. "Cortana's simply having a lengthy discussion with your AI about awareness. Sort of like that bit about the hydrogen bomb." A small explosion of confetti exploded over Tony's head even as he said this, grinning. "Not like we're jumping the shark here, " Sure enough, a miniature version of the legendary JAWS whacked him upside the face. "Ah, that never gets old! I could do this all day!"

"Stop doing that! You can't attack me with puns!"

Naruto cackled. "Puns and bullets and pointy things, oh, yes I can! I'm running the show now, and this is just the tip of the spear!"

"Okay...what?"

"HEY!"

Naruto barely grunted as the shield smacked into his head, the suit ringing angrily from the strike. He turned his head toward the voice, perched upon the ruined trunk of a tree. Angry blue eyes glowered back at him, a being set in stone, with beliefs no man or god could ever hope to shake.

 _"That's enough."_

"And now comes our last guest, late to the party...

"People in this era have some strange fashion sense," Captain America muttered, readying his shield. "Maybe I'm not as used to this time period as I thought." Then he noticed the man's sword, the suit, the devastation surrounding them. "What kinda weapon is _that?_ Jesus... You wouldn't happen to know a bald guy with a bad case of sunburn, would you?"

Naruto dropped Tony like a sack of potatoes, all thoughts of peace forgotten.

"Nope, never. Now, as for you, mister star-spangled-banner...

 _...I believe you made a comment about me?"_

* * *

Thor was most irate.

This infernal bird had hounded him across the sky with great persistence thus far; pecking at him, shrieking at him, _stealing_ _his lightning,_ and making him look like a general fool. He was certain Loki was laughing at his plight below, delighting in the torment he was suffering.

Worse, the beast seemed to be feeding off of him; every strike made it stronger, and it was so damnably fast! So agile in fact, that he didn't see the next attack until it was well and truly upon him. Odd. Why was this creature glowing and - oh dear.

Oh, that looked painful.

That was his only thought before Zapdos crashed into him and he plummeted to the ground.

 _Blackness._

* * *

As for good ol' Cap, he wasn't entirely sure how to react to the berserk blond.

He certainly wasn't faring any better against him than the others. This damn suit was like a demonic version of the one Tony wore; stronger, faster, and deadlier.

With an extra emphasis on deadly.

Blasts and missiles filled the air around him, the ocassional pot-shot bouncing harmlessly off his shield.

"Look," he muttered slowly, weaving in and out amidst the chaos, "I'd rather not hit a kid. I knew a boy about your age once; I don't wanna fight you-oh hell." Those words saw his shield shudder as Soul Edge slammed down against it, vibrating intensely and blasting him backwards.

"See, I'm not a kid." Naruto quipped, shaking the numbness out of his battered arm. "I am twenty-three fucking years old, and _stuck_ like this. Problem? Deal with it. Or better yet, deal with _him."_

"Him?"

"Him." the blond confirmed, tapping at the air, puncturing it with a few swift taps. "To quote a great man, Captain America, say hello...to my little friend!" A creature out of nightmare burst through, its black, ebon hide glistening in stark, glistening relief beneath the moonlight. A bulbous, elongated head swiveled, sniffing. Then it saw him, and it hissed. Then, to his horror, it _grinned._ It was on him nearly before he could even think to react, pouncing, pinning him to the ground, snapping at him.

"What in God's name?!"

"Ooh, language!" came the whistling reply.

"Not the point!"

"Oh, you mean, him?" Naruto looked up from the his game boy, grinning impishly. _"That,_ would be Killa. He's a xenomorph. _My_ xenomorph. Deadly creature." the alien hissed angrily in reply snapping at Steve's face. "Last of his kind, this guy," the god continued proudly as the Cap continued to writhe and struggle in the dirt, "Only one capable of sentient thought. You have no _idea_ how long it took me to tame him. And Stevie? He _doesn't_ like it when you insult my fashion sense."

"Ah!" a finger shot up. "No biting out skulls! _Sit!"_

Incredibly, the creature obeyed. But not before Steve's shield arced out, slicing into its skull. The beast yelped.

A spurt of acid flew.

Naruto hissed and ducked, instinctively shielding his face with a hand.

"Phew, that was close! For a second there I thought you...you...you...

His words trailed off into senseless gibberish as the pocket device crumbled away to ash in his hand. Had the soon-to-be Avengers any sense, they would have fled, right then and there. If they knew the value the blond had placed in that tiny device, they would have called Natasha the continent and gotten the hell out of there, posthaste. Even Killa whimpered, tucking its head in its claws and taking shelter behind a tree. Storm clouds gathered gathered overhead, dark flashes of lightning swelling within.

Naruto stared down at the broken game boy, his eyes watering tearfully.

Then they _narrowed._

"Which one of you did that?!" he exclaimed, whirling around, bristling with every weapon imaginable. "Stark?! CAP?! Y'know what? Never mind! _**YOU ALL DID!"**_

Steve blanched. "Easy now, let's just put the sword down and talk about this-

Tony groaned.

"Yeah-no! Bad calls! He loves his sword!"

 _ **"VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!"**_

Those were the last words they heard before everything ceased to imprint itself into their conscious memory.

* * *

 _(Approximately three hours later...)_

 _"Aaaaaaand_ that's how it happened." Naruto finished regaling them with the story, leaning back in his chair, idly stroking Killa's crest in his lap; the Xenomorph purring happily as it master lavished attention upon it. "I mean I'd cough up my origins story, but hey, ain't nobody got time for that." Half of S.H.I.E.L.D. stared back at him-their faces set in varying degreess of disbelief, awe, and in some cases, even outright incredulity. He supposed he couldn't blame them, it wasn't every day a deity knocked on your door with an entire cabal of foreign tech.

Oh, and a pet xenomorph. That would explain why some people had fainted dead away.

"I don't know whether to kill you again, or kiss you." Natasha deadpanned. Seriously, she was beginning to lean toward the latter, just to see if he'd stay dead this time. She'd already shot him once after he popped in on her again, but the stubborn bastard was like Wolverine; he just didn't know how to stay dead!

"Kisses, please!" Naruto chirruped happily. "Haven't had one of those in decades."

There was a silence.

 _"What?_ I've got a thing for redheads. Among others...

Maria Hill shuddered. "Don't even go there."

The blond laughed and craned his head backwards.

"Hey, don't knock it until ya've tried it!"

"So, let me get this straight, agent Romanoff." the agent in question bristled as a familiar, terrifying voice made itself known from the flight deck. "You, in your infinite wisdom, saw fit to let another self-proclaimed GOD onto our ship." No one in this world had mastered the ancient art of intimidation like Nick Fury; there was a reason he commanded the whole of S.H.I.E.L.D. after all. She didn't need to look to know that her goose was well and truly cooked.

"In hindsight, it was either that or be thrown out of the plane, sir." It was the wrong thing to say, and she knew it the moment the reply left her lips.

"WELL THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD'VE LET THE MOTHERFUCKER THROW YOU OUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN' PLANE!"

"Yes, sir. Sorry sir. Won't happen again, sir." All she could do was duck her head and apologize; even she knew better to argue with Fury when he was in one of his moods. And Naruto had whipped him into a right state this time. It didn't matter that Loki was locked away miles below deck, didn't matter that his scepter was being analyzed; all that mattered was that one man-him-this man-had waltzed right in and made a mocker of his little operation on a catastrophic scale. That said man was utterly unrepentant for his actions didn't help matters in the least.

"And as for you two...

"I don't want to talk about it." Tony sniffed petulantly, rubbing his battered helm. He still hadn't forgiven Naruto for ruining his suit. "My baby, my poor baby...

"Ditto. He caught us by surprise, sir."

For once, he and Steve were of the same mind. Well, slightly. How could you even _keep_ a pet like that, let alone raise it? It had tried to bite his face off! Steve liked his face! Thor remained stoically silent on the matter as a whole, furtively trying to clutch at his hammer whenever Naruto looked at him. The knave would not have it! He would not take it from him! _Not again!_

"Soooo, and I know this out of the blue, but you mind if I join you guys for a bit?" Naruto asked suddenly. Natasha didn't even have time to count to three before the shit hit the fan. Needless to say, the boys didn't take it well. At all.

"WHAT?!" Fury exploded!

"Nope, not happening. All kinds of don't want."

"No way!"

"Never!"

"I don't know...

"Aw, c'mon! I'd be a great...what're you guys called again? Avenger. Right," he pointed, snapping his fingers. "That. We don't need a uniform, do we? Right?" He shifted slightly, the servos of his suit clicking together in a soft rhapsody of humming tech. "Because aside from that," his boots kicked up, resting on the table, "I'd make a great Avenger. I've got plenty to offer."

"Such as?" Fury challenged, reaching for his sidearm."

Naruto grinned.

"Look outside."

In the time that it took them to do so, the sun had risen. Before their very eyes it fell again, plunging the world back into darkness. Then it rose _again._ Moments later every agent bar Fury and the Avengers dropped to the deck, out cold. Everyone looked back to Naruto in disbelief. Natasha thought she saw a glimmer of seriousness lurking within those merry blue orbs.

"I'm being a good sport and humoring you, director." he said. "Please, _don't_ make me your enemy."

"Cortana, display all pertinent information on the Tesseract." She did. "Now, download to Shield's database." Done. "Oh, and reboot Jarvis before Stark has a heart attack over there."

"HEY!"

"Wait," Steve began, "How do you know about-

"The glowing cube thingy?"

"Yeah, that."

"I did mention I'd visited this universe before, just for a day. Not long enough to do anything interesting, but I did notice that." he pointed at the image of the cube. "I wasn't too interested in it at the time and I had an angry pantheon chasing me, so it hadn't occurred to me to say, simply snatch the damn thing and rabbit. But if its leaking gamma radiation," his brow wiggled towards Bruce, "I'm betting I can help doc over there track it pretty easily."

He steepled his fingers, leaning forward.

"So? Whaddya say?"

The Black Widow pinched the brow of her nose, trying in vain to stifle a migraine as she faced down the grinning god. It wasn't working anywhere near as well as she might have liked. Her head was currently pounding, her aching temples demanding a rest from the insanity of the last few hours. Still, his abilities were useful...

"Director?"

Fury glowered bloody red daggers at Naruto, trying to dissect him with his gaze. The blond simply beamed back at him, the picture of innocence. Every fiber of his being screamed at him to say not, that they ought not to trust the whiskered warrior, but what he'd just done was undeniable. If he'd wanted them dead they would be dead.

"Fine." he relented. "You can help. But _don't_ break anything."

"Great!" the blond bolted upright from his chair, sending Killa skittering out of the way. "You guys are awesome! I haven't had this much fun in centuries!" Then his eyes snapped back to the xenomorph, already trying to slink off when he wasn't looking. "OI! Killa! Get back here!" Sullenly, the beast obeyed.

"You're an... interesting man, Naruto." Bruce ventured, frowning. That got him a bow.

"I thanketh thee, sir!"

Thor groaned. "You're never going to let that go, are you, blond one?"

"Not in a million years, Point Break."

"I asketh you again, what does that mean?"

"Well, here, let me show you...

Tony snickered. Bruce didn't.

"The big guy doesn't like you. Trust me when I say that's not something you want."

"Big guy?"

"The hulk." Natasha clarified.

"Terrifying green rage monster." Tony added, looking up from his helmet. "Not a good idea in enclosed spaces."

"Wha-you mean you can transform, Bruce?! That's awesome! Show me!"

"What?! No!"

"Aw," the young man looked like a kicked puppy, "But why not?! I'm a great guy!" Not missing a beat, he turned back to the baffled god. "Now Thor, Point Break is something on television...

Banner remained steadfast in his opinion.

"He _seems_ like a good guy," he muttered to Natasha, "But there's something about him that doesn't feel right. The 'other guy' agrees."

Romanoff found herself siding with the scientist as well.

"He always puts me on edge when he's near," she muttered, glancing at the happily chatting blond, gauging him as he conversed with a befuddled Thor. "He acts like a ditz, but whenever I look at him, I get the feeling that I'm looking at a seasoned veteran. I caught him staring at places he shouldn't be. Hell, I caught his _sword_ staring at places it shouldn't b-

 _"Mine eyes cannot unseen what they hath seen!_ Take this from my sight!" Thor's abrupt exclamation took those words and tossed them out the window. Deadpool would have been proud.

"What? You wanted me to show you what Point Break was, so...?

 _"I said begone!"_

Naruto's tablet went flying across the room moment later to shatter loudly against the wall.

 _"Noooo~!"_

* * *

"Why are you sulking?"

"I am not sulking. I am mourning the death of tabby. God rest his sparky soul." Naruto didn't even look up from his newly christened cot, or the book he'd pilfered from Lord knew where. Was that a bottle of her favorite vodka in his lap? No, no, focus. She shook her head, willing her mind to the task at hand. She'd come here for a reason, a purpose; Fury had tasked her with figuring out just who Naruto really was-what he wanted-and, most importantly how to keep him under control.

Ah, how little she knew. One did not control nature; one could only aim it and hope for the best. Like the xenomorph curled up at his feet. It took one look at her, hissed, and laid its head down again. Natasha eyed the beastie warily. When the hissing grew in intensity, her fingers twitched towards her sidearm.

"I wouldn't do that." Naruto chimed. "He doesn't bite, but if you shoot him, you're liable to get covered in acid."

"...thanks for the warning."

"No problem."

An awkward silence yawned between them.

"I'm on my way to interrogate Loki." she paused, considering. "Care to join me?"

"What's the point?" the deity looked up, sighing. "Thor already told me his little plan; and I spoke with him directly, remember? He wants to send an army through some wormhole and rule the world, blah, blah, bladdy blah, blah FEAR ME blah. There's nothing left to know but why he's let himself be brought here, and even _I_ can figure that out. He wants to get into your heads and break up the team." Blue eyes flicked back to the old book in his hands, twinkling with amusement.

"Figure that all on your own, did you?"

"I once visited a universe infested with crime; decided to become a detective on a lark. Spent twenty years there. The rest is history. Care for a drink?" He raised the bottle off his lap and materialized a glass through an unseen force of will in inquiry. "I've got plenty, and I can't really get drunk on this stuff, so...

"You keep going on about that," she murmured, scooting onto the bonk beside him. A glass plopped into her hand and was filled promptly. She waited until Naruto drank first, just to be safe, then slammed her own shot back swiftly. _Ah!_ The burning, heady sensation warmed her belly almost immediately, confirming her initial suspicions. It was almost completely pure. "Hmm. Good stuff." Naruto barked a laugh at that one, and violently downed yet another, a hand idly stroking Killa's segmented hide, quieting his pet.

"Good stuff, right? I prefer ryncol myself, that's just about the only thing that can get me hammered nowadays."

"Got any on you?"

"Nope. 'Sides, it hits humans like ground glass." the blond reached over and poured her another glass.

"And you're not human." she quipped.

"Not even remotely." came the unabashed reply. "I've seen a lot in my time. A. Lot. So I choose to laugh at it, rather than let it get to me, put me down, ya know? _"Why so serious?"_ he snorted, deepening his voice to a darkened degree. "Ah, now there's a lesson I learned well. Shame about him dying, and all." This time when he offered her another, she refused.

"In other words, you're a ditz."

"Hey, I can be serious when I want to!" Naruto replied, pouring some of the vodka into a bowl at his feet. Killa burbled happily and lapped it up immediately, a smaller mouth shooting of his maw out to greedily drink in the intoxicating liquid. Natasha fought off a shudder as that chitinous tail brushed her leg, thumping loudly on the floor. Then she saw something else. That book-the one Naruto was holding so protectively-he'd opened it again, and was now scribbling notes within.

"What've you got there?"

He showed her the cover, the blue fabric faded and worn. "Oh, this? Its a a scrapbook, slash journal of mine. I always look at it whenever I'm down. Reminds me of the places I've been, the people I've seen, the things I've done." When she tried to reach for it, he snatched it away. "Ah! I don't think I trust you just yet."

"Well," his hand cupped her chin, "I'd rather smile than cry any day, red. Life's so much more beautiful that way. Don't you agree?"

"I-

Before she could answer, the entire hellicarrier shook. Alarms blared, deck yawing too and fro. The pair exchanged a rueful glance.

"You don't think that pissed Bruce off, do you?"

 **"GWOAAAAAAAH!"**

A deafening roar answered. Naruto sighed and closed the book, placed two fingers in his mouth, and whistled. The xenomorph bottled upright, nearly bowling Natasha over in hits haste to stand. Its was so large that it had to crouch, its maw drooling in anticipation of the order.

"Killa," Naruto barked, "Enemies on board! Search and destroy!"

With a sound that could only loosely be described as a shriek, the xenomorph shot out into the hall, found a vent, and dissapeared, tail slithering up after it like a serpent.

With a cackle, Naruto took off after his pet.

 _"Dibs on greenie..._

* * *

...aaaand I'm guessing I'm late to the party."

 **"GRRRRRRR...**

Naruto stared up at the Hulk, the great, towering green figure before him and actually gulped. He wasn't afraid; quite the contrary in fact. It was just...wow that guy was big. It had been a long time since someone had actually hit him, actually caused him pain. He wasn't looking forward to getting hit by this beast. And by that glowering snort, he suspected the great green giant wasn't quite so jolly with him at the moment. In fact he was probably on the big guy's shit list, if Bruce had been telling the truth.

"Alright big guy, calm down." He placated, raising an unarmed hand. "I really don't wanna kill ya...that'd suck, ya know? So lets just be a good boy, Banner, and-

It was the wrong thing to say. Never mention puny Banner!

 **"HULK SMASH PUNY GOD!"**

With a yelp, he ducked under the giant fist and ran like the hounds of hell were at his heels. "You have failed me, brain!"

Hulk snarled and gave chase; he didn't understand, didn't care. There was only the rage.

 **"HULK! SMASH!"**

"NARUTO NOT WANT TO BE SMASHED!"

The great juggernaut barely heard the scream. He knew-thought!-that he was stronger than the puny god. So why was the puny god getting away?! Try as he might, he couldn't get his hands on the slippery creature! Every time he thought he had him Naruto simply wriggled out of his grasp and took off again, hollering at the top of his lungs. Naruto led him on a merry chase through the carrier as all bloody hell rained down around them.

 **"HULK SMASH GOD!"**

"Okay, that's far enough!" Naruto skidded to a halt, boots biting down against the floor. Any further he realized, and he'd just be running right into a wall. Alas, he failed to account for the beast charging after him; in a heartbeat, he found himself flattened to the floor, tossed about like a rag doll for what felt like an eternity before he finally squirmed free.

 **"HULK NOT PLAY! HULK SMASH!"**

"I'm not playing, either. Nope, not playing God. All this time...I've been playing _human!"_ Before the green goliath's eyes his body bulged, muscles bulking up to obscene proportions, hardening into blackness. Four arms erupted, the asura-esque entity glowering. back at the green giant. A snaggle-toothed grin leered out at him, red-white eyes alight with furious malice, framed beneath a messy mop of shaggy blond hair. The God gave an angry rumble, six arms smashing together heatedly.

And then it spoke:

 _"NOW GOD SMASH PUNY HULK!"_

 **A/N: And there we go. I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he is (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself, and of course (3) underneath it all still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.**

 **NARUTO VS HULK AND AVENGERS VS LOKI'S ARMY NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW! And don't you just love Killa? He's a good boy! Erm...most of the time.**

 **So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Its a bit of a teaser and an omake in the same verse! Hope it makes ya smile! I could really use one right about now...**

 **(Preview/Omake!)**

 _Naruto looked up at the wormhole. Then up, up, up again._

 _"So..an army, hmm." He paused, rummaging through his bag of tricks, humming softly to himself. "Let's see here, no, no, Zangetsu's too flashy. I don't know any of their names, so the Death Note is out. Don't want to summon Cthulu again after what happened last time. Death Star? Naw. AHA! There it is! Come to daddy, my pretty!" Cackling, he plunged a hand into the seemingly harmless sack..._

 _...and just like that, he was holding Excalibur._

 _"No, this isn't what I was looking for!" He tossed the sword away and dipped his gauntlet into the sack once more. "Ah. There he is." With a mighty heave, he tossed out a man who made even Gods quiver in their very boots. A man whom reality itself bowed to. An entity that death itself feared. A man who attacked sharks when he smelled them bleed._

 _Out came Chuck Norris, the bearded Texas ranger cracking his knuckles._

 _The Chitauri took one look at the deadly human and ran away, shrieking._

 _Tony balked._

 _"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU KEEPING HIM?!"_

 _Naruto only grinned._

 _"...places."_

 _"I...you...how?!"  
_

 _"Fuck you, Stark, that's how." his glib reply was decidedly cheeky._

 _"That doesn't make any sense!"_

 **R &R! =D**


	3. Smash

**A/N: I RETURN, MY SUBJECTS! And I have this to say...**

 **...NEARLY THREE HUNDRED REVIEWS SO SOON AFTER THE SECOND CHAPTER?! THAT'S AWESOME! I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

 **I recently had the privilege of watching Avengers: Age of Ultron, and I'll admit, it got me on a bit of a Marvel craze. So I've been working my way through the movies for the last few days, and an hour ago, I watched the first Avengers. One line said by Captain America really stood out for me, so I thought to myself, ah, what the hell. It ought to be fun, writing in a universe like this, one I haven't touched often. I'll write this for shits and giggles, if nothing else.**

 **That's right, folks! Uzumaki Naruto is here, and...**

 **...he ain't going home! The title and name of this fic is inspired by the song, you guessed it, "Not Going Home" by Con Bro Chill. I strongly suggest giving it a listen! I sincerely hope this makes ya'll smile, as it did for me! I'm writing this as a way to cope in a sense. After all, I'd rather write a happy little story than mourn over my best friend's death, and he was a major fan of Avengers and Naruto, so, yeah, I guess this is for him. Now remember, this is a story written in jest, and it was either this or drink myself stupid in depression, so...**

 **...PLEASE BE NICE! And yes, this does branch out into the rest of the Marvel universe and will include Ultron...and this chapter is dopey, silly, and all around amusing. Hope ya like it!**

 **LET THE INSANITY CONTINUE! ITS A NICE AND LONG ONE! And TOOOOONS OF REFERENCES! So...**

 **...Keep voting for the pairing, ya'll! There's a poll on my profile now! Also, to the annoying jerks who keep flaming, would you kindly stop? This story is supposed to be funny, silly, and all around fun to read. If you don't like reading about a powerful Naruto, then don't. Please do not slander me with your hate. To those of you who are enjoying this story, by all means, continue!**

 **KILLA HAS HIS TIME TO SHINE IN THIS CHAP! WARNING, ITS BLOODY! To another hater, this ain't a parody, mate. Its a story written for fun, so enjoy the insanity. I don't ask ya'll to take Naruto seriously, just enjoy the chaos he creates. And yes, Naruto THINKS that the multiverse is limited. Oh, how wrong he is... =D**

 **And as another note, it is currently EVENING in this fic, thanks to Naruto flaunting his powers. And for those who have been following Clever Girl, YES, Indy does pop up in this chapter! Let me just say this, this is very much a crack fic, NOT a parody, and its deliberately meant to be as funny and chaotic as hell! There are a TON of references and crossovers here, so my humble reader...**

 **...I DARE THEE TO FIND THEM ALL! OVER TEN THOUUUUUUUSAND WORDS! JUST FOR YOU DEAR READER(S)!**

 _"As the fabric of your robe flaps around to the side, dancing to the wind, singing an anthem of forever, you lay one foot after the other. Sweat raining down your prow like the skies have cried on you. The ground quakes with your power. Cracking a brittle and cold world with new ways. But you stop, for what? A weak twine holds you to the past. And it snaps."_

 _~?!_

 **Smash**

 _A mentor of mine once told me that if you have a problem, smash it._

 _If a nail pops up in front of you, smack it with a hammer._

 _And, if you find a girl you love, kiss her._

 _I have had many mentors over the years, some good, others not so much. Somehow, those words, from that very first universe I visited, always stuck with me. Don't get me wrong, words and diplomacy are all well and good of course, but sometimes-more often than I'd like-words just don't cut it._

 _Personally, I've always been a fan of that; the direct approach._

 _Whenever I've encountered a problem, I've run through it-up it-and over it until its_ no longer _a problem for me, no longer an obstalce. I've never once met someone who could stand my way, at least, not for very long, on terms of sheer strength alone. Someone who could actually overpower me, toss me through a wall, and keep going._

 _Until today; because how can you plan for the Hulk? How can you PLAN to fight a massive rage monster that becomes stronger the angrier he gets? Simple. You can't. You meet brute force with brute force, throw in a little strategy, and hope-pray-that you come out on top._

 _Now, all I have to say, is this:_

 ** _NARUTO. SMASH._**

 _That is all._

* * *

 _Hulk was angry._

Well, he was ALWAYS angry, but this was different.

 _This_ anger filled him, empowered him, made him stronger than ever before...

..and somehow, someway, he found himself matched. That only made him _angrier!_

The supposedly puny god was matching him blow for blow, taking his savagery and returning it with something just as angry. Wrath. Hatred. Spite. The two beasts collided again and again _and again_ tossing one another every which way, destroying entire levels as they went. He gave as good as he got, bloodying and bruising him, wounds opening and healing as black and green pounded upon one another. They battled hand to hand, a great fire filling them both as they sought to stifle the life out of one another.

And Hulk hated it!

Level after level burst before them like wet paper bags-girders tossed aside like sticks, _planes_ used as giant clubs to beat one another senseless. Nothing was held back. Everything was a weapon. And when one of those weapons finally inflicted a mortal wound, then...

...then things started to go south.

Because it was then, completely out of the blue, the beast stepped away from him and laughed. Even as black ichor spurted from the stump of his arm he cackled; the laughter of an insane god, bemused by his own blood. He held up the stump of his fifth arm, appraised it, and _smiled._

 _"What's wrong?"_ he croaked. _"Does widdle hulkie need a break? You know, you remind me of another jolly green giant-_

 **"GWOAH!"**

Choking on a rush of furious rage, Hulk bounded back into the fight, slamming the asura-like entity into the wall with enough force to shatter his spine. Naruto just laughed at him.

 _"Yes! YES! Give me a good fight! It's been so long!"_

Roaring, Hulk barreled into his opponent and drove him upwards into another level.

Natasha took one look at the twin titans as they blasted past her again...and promptly walked the other way, limping slightly. She'd barely escaped the conflict with her life, and she had no desire to get tangled up in a tangle of testosterone like that again. No, best to find someone she actually stood a chance against, rather than these angry rage gods.

"I'll...just let you two duke it out."

Somewhere in the bowels of the ship, an angry roar reached ears.

 _"I heard that!"_

* * *

 _(Meanwhile...)_

Killa was a good boy.

And like any good boy, like any good _pet,_ he did what his master told him to do.

Because Master was his all.

Master had raised him since he was a nestling. Master had taken him out of that woman's chest when he was born and spared him. He, the last of his kind, an abomination most wouldn't have given a second glance. But Master did. Master was kind. Master always gave him treats, always scratched his crest in _juuuuuuuuust_ the right place. Master took him to strange new worlds and let him hunt all sorts of prey. Master always tended to his wounds, and Master always made sure he was safe and warm.

Master was always good, and so, Killa was good to him in return.

Yes, Killa was a very, _very_ good boy.

And he was about to live up to his namesake.

* * *

 _(Deeper within the Heli-carrier...)_

Alex was the first to die.

Covering the incursion team's tail, rifle in hand, he never noticed the barbed _tail_ that dropped down around his throat until it was pulled tight and his windpipe had closed shut. With a jerk on the tail his spine snapped in twine. Then, silent and unseen, his twitching corpse was hauled upward, into the shadows. In its place, Killa dropped down, forsaking its perch to creep up behind the encroaching aggressors. Years of breeding prepared it for this; creeping forward seamlessly, soundlessly, on all fours.

Its prey on the other hand, was woefully unprepared for the terror stalking them in the night. Baring its fangs, he beast shifted, ever so slightly.

A moment later, Barton faltered as a breeze brushed his cheek.

"What in the-?"

Another traitorous agent-Maxwell, if he recalled correctly?-turned at the same moment that the beast's deadly tail appeared from thin air and impaled him with such force that he was pinned to the steel wall behind him. Eyes bulging, the machine gun flew from his hand. Gore spurted from his nose and mouth before he could shout a warning to the others.

Sensing danger, Barton hit the floor, dragging a man with him. It saved his life.

He landed hard on his ribs and was rewarded with the fleeting image of the xenomorph as it bull-tackled another of his men into a grate, spitting him on a jagged piece of pipe. A deadly arrow was already notched and all but flying by the time the creature turned-too late, it closed around nothing but empty air, clattering across the floor as the beast blithely bounded back to the safety of the vents once more.

"Damnitall!" He cursed.

A chittering hiss answered him from above; almost as if the creature were laughing at his plight.

There were very few things in this world that could unnerve Clint Barton, but Killa had done just that. Crept into his head and planted the first seeds of fear; now they began to grow, their roots latching onto his mind in swift, sinister succession, threading through his mind.

Even with his very psyche under Loki's control, he was quite capable of thought, and capable of fear. Which meant-

Like greased lightning the tail shot down, forsaking stealth entirely. Langson stood there for a moment, then slowly, eerily, his head slit from his shoulders, toppling to the deck with a wet thud. His body followed only a moment later. Just like that, Clint was alone. He and his bow. A clawed hand lashed out from nowhere, and then he didn't even have _that_ , paralyzed as the massive paw swatted his weapon away as though it were only a child's plaything, not the deadly tool of his trade, sending it clattering across the corridor.

Weaponless, but not defenseless, Hawkeye stared down the beast...

 _Oh. Shit._

...and Killa leered back with a heart stopping hiss.

"Oh." was all he managed.

The Alien whipped its bony tail around, dislodging the dead man and hurling his dead carcass into a dank corner. Legs spread wide, clawed arms raised, the alien kicked _Maxwell's_ ruined corpse aside, clearing the arena between it and its prey. Slime oozing from his lipless mouth, Killa bobbed his shiny, elongated head and thrashed his tail side to side as he issued a sibilant challenge. Finally, impatient, his toothy mouth opened and the black beast spit at the archer in angry defiance.

That defiance was not well met.

 _Fuck!_

Rational thought abandoned Barton. Sanity escaped him, his body refusing to obey the scepter's command to stand and fight. Hand to hand? With this beast?! Not happening! Nope nope nope NOPE!

Faced with this creature from hell, he screamed like a little girl and turned to get the hell out of there-

-and slammed right into a wall.

The beast thumped him viciously on the head with its tail, knocking the archer out cold before he could do further damage to himself.

Killa paused, sniffed the prone body, scoffed, and climbed back into the vents once more. Master had said not to hunt this one, so he wouldn't. But there were other intruders. Other prey, creeping about Master's home-HIS home!-and more prey meant the more to hunt, yes, so much more. With a soft, hissing laugh, the alien found another vent and vanished into the bowels of the ship.

The hunt had begun...

 _...and it was going to be a loooong evening._

* * *

 _(Meanwhile, with Naruto and Hulk...)_

 **"SMASH!"**

Naruto grunted in surprise as a smoking green fist smashed into his visage, dislocating his jaw and launching him across the deck-through three walls-and into a hangar. There was a moment of pained, awkward silence as the ebon entity lay there, stiff and unmoving. Then one of his six arms rose, rubbing his broken mouth. A sickening pop resounded as he pushed the ruined remnants of his fanged maw back into place. Coughing, his head rolled upright, just in time to see a green freight train of pure rage barreling down on him.

 _"Okay, so I guess we're doing this, now!"_

The two titans slammed together with a sickening thud once more; a shuddering impact that sent both beasts reeling away, only to come together once again. Howls and thrashes accompanied their charge, the intensity of their rage shaking all the world around them.

Nothing could stand between them. The very heli-carrier itself threatened to shake itself apart.

Hulk lashed out, striking a backhanded blow against against the demon's gnashing jaw. Naruto staggered. Then, in an impossible movement the six-armed entity spun, smashing a fist into his adversary's snarling visage in a satisfying spurt of green blood. The cold deck kissed his face and he lay there for a moment, stunned. A black foot slammed down onto his back, clawed feet digging into the meat of his back.

 _"Sheesh! Smash, smash, smash! You really should to go counseling for that-whoa! Missed me! Try again, pal!" W_ ith a nimbleness that belied his girth, the six armed creature bounded away from another wild swing and scurried up a wall. _"Ha! Take that, Spiderman! This shit is easy!"_ Pausing, he leered down at him, frowning. _"Damnit Banner, don't make me play the dick card here..._

Hulk swung around, but the beast simply dropped down on him and smashed him down to the deck once more, opening a hole in the already ravaged decking. But Hulk wasn't finished yet; he grabbed Naruto's leg, and with a startled squawk the blond went tumbling down after him into the belly of the ship.

Two hands closed around his head, squeezing.

 _"C'mon now! Get angry! Give me a fight!"_

Growling, the green giant bashed him in the head. The demon cacked and bashed him right back, dislodging something in Hulk's mouth-

 _Ground._

They struck the lowest level with a dull THUD of sound, and in an instant, the black demon was upon him.

 _"WHAT'S WRONG?!"_ Those deadly fangs snapped mere millimeters from his face, snarling. _"If you're this weak, maybe I should go visit your cousin! Jennifer! Does Hulk understand that?!_

The world's angriest man spat out a tooth and howled, tackling him.

 **"HULK! SMASH! YOU!"**

 _"THAT'S MORE LIKE IT GREEN BOY!"_

Bodies intertwined as one, the thrashing creatures rolled end over end, kicking and clawing and punching, their wails of rage and pain echoing throughout the hangar. Gaining the upper hand, Hulk hovered over his prey with a satisfied grunt, and an arm cocked back. The demon's secondary arms shot up, stopping those bruising green knuckles mere inches from his battle-damaged face.

With an echoing roar, Naruto heaved the green, howling creature aside and sprang to his feet. Whirling to face the savage beast, he raised a wrist-

The Hulk, his muscular arms flung wide, launched himself forward in a powerful bounding leap-

-and crashed through the view-port as Naruto stepped aside.

He simply turned and let momentum have its way...

Then gravity had its say.

 _"TAKE A HIKE!"_

Glass ruptured before him, and it was then that Hulk realized he had nothing to grab onto, that he was falling.

Falling...

..falling...

Naruto's demonic form lumbered out of the hole to observe his handiwork; the savage creature staring down at the rapidly receding green speck in the distance with satisfaction. Cocking its head back, the deity made a wet smacking sound and spat into the night after him. Still scoffing, he wheeled away from the opening, smiling.

 _"Puny hulk."_

Shuddering, the asura became human once more; muscles shrinking, arms shuddering back into its hardened torso. With a series of harsh, clicking pops the body rearranged itself, monster melding back into man, those eerie red eyes fading back to their usual, true blue. Thus divested of his shirt, he dusted himself off, quietly picking pieces of steel and shrapnel out of his shoulders. It always itched when he grew muscle and flesh over those sharp little pinpricks, and-

Then, and only then, did he notice the sheer amount of destruction he'd wrought.

Jaws dropped.

"Ah, man." Naruto winced slightly. "I think I mighta gotten a little carried away. I pulled a damn Indy! Speaking of which...

Whistling softly, Uzumaki Naruto padded away in search of more victims.

"Maybe its time I let her and the others out to play...

Raising a hand, he snapped his fingers together with a loud...

 ** _...craaaack!_**

 _"Play time, my pretties!"_

Needles to say, all hell broke loose.

* * *

 _(Outside...)_

Steve Rogers was staring at...

...well, he wasn't exactly sure what he was looking at, exactly.

It was small, it was _green_ , and it was currently...eating the enemy soldiers like they were cakes. Well, perhaps not so much _eat_ as swallowing them and crapping out eggs. It then proceeded to take said eggs, no doubt filled with its victims-and lob them out into the night to their doom. Those who underestimated it soon joined their fellows as shrieking, muffled eggs flung out to their death. Its red tongue snared everything in its path with terrifying speed, gobbling it all down and spitting it out in its little green-white buds with horrifying temerity.

It was the most terrifying thing he'd ever seen. And somehow, someway, he just _knew_ Naruto had something to do with it.

Then, its task complete, the little devil turned towards him. Large, black eyes met his.

He gulped.

"Um...good boy?"

There was a terrible silence. And then.

 _And then:_

 _"Yoshi!"_

Chirruping happily, the creature scuttled away in search of more prey. Captain America silently wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead. Sinking down against the wall, he exhaled heavily, keenly aware just how close to death he'd come at the hands of that eerily cute little beast.

"Right. Sure. Let's go with that."

Dear lord, he needed a vacation after all this stress...

...while, for others, their ordeal had only just begun.

* * *

 _(Within the broken rotor...)_

"Huh. Giant sword. Apparently its real."

A suit of metal stared at a suit of armor.

 _And the armor stared back._

"Okay...I don't remember blondie mentioning this. Jarvis?"

 _"I'd recommend not shooting it, sir."_

"No, no, no, sure. I mean, its not like I have a death wish or anything." Of course Tony didn't have a death wish; he was just trapped inside a giant fan blade, trying to figure out how to start the damn thing without getting chopped to pieces. Not a death wish at all...

 _"If sir does, perhaps I should call miss Potts?"_

There was a pause.

"You know, I'm really starting to wonder if you're on my side after that upgrade, buddy." Tony snarked. "You got the hots for that AI or something? Because I can totally see the attraction," Jarvis tried to pipe up, but too late; too late indeed, his master was already off on another of his infamous rants. There was no stopping him now. "I mean, she's a nice piece of pixels and data, not to mention she's got a nice-"

 _"SIR!"_

Another pause followed, this one heavier than the last. This time, the synthetic sounded almost...embarrassed.

 _...I don't want to talk about it."_

"Screw it, I'll take my chances."

 _"Very good sir."_

Snark or not, Tony Stark wasn't entirely sure whether he wanted to fight or flight as he truly laid eyes upon the imposing Night Terror, the very essence and willpower of Soul Edge _-the bastard blade slaved to the even stronger will of a mad god incarnate-_ made manifest. The scarlet creature glared back at him, near silent with its intent. It seemed to be shaking, vibrating, with the very acting of standing still.

Whatever it was, it wasn't ripping him in half, so that had to be good.

Right?

Although one did wonder how the devil this thing had gotten in here with him...?

Soul Edge clutched firmly in hand, the now-crimson knight didn't seem to bear him any ill intent. Instead of attacking, the great, hulking creature shouldered him aside and placed one hand against the savaged rotor. A grunt followed, its lone eye boring into him with obvious intent. A single thought stabbed into his mind.

 _'Push, puny human.'_

"Alright, alright, don't be so pushy. Heh. Made a joke there."

A growl told him the blade was less than amused with his wit.

It simply grunted, wedged its hand into the broken fan beside him, and mimed an effort.

Then, together, man and armor...

...they _pushed._

* * *

 _(Elsewhere...)_

"What the motherfuckin' shit is this?"

Nick Fury was just about ready to throw some mother fucker out a mother fucking window.

Not only was S.H.I.E.L.D under attack by deadly hostile enemy forces, not only did he have a rogue deity to contend with, NOT ONLY was he contending with the madness that was Uzumaki Naruto but now, on top of all those aforementioned woes, he was getting reports of all manner of crazy creatures running about his base. His! Base! Agent Hill had practically passed out of sheer fright when that crazy xenomorph had crawled out of the vents and dropped an unconscious agent Barton at their feet.

At least that damn thing was being useful!

Worse, it seemed the rest of his team-and he used the term loosely-was losing their minds.

Stark _insisted_ he was seeing a flying suit of armor, Cap swore he'd faced down a little green dinosaur and Thor well...

...god, he didn't even want to think about that. Who the hell was afraid of a _talking pop tart?_

Not him! Raptors though, that was a different story...ah, but he digressed.

Now, _he_ was staring at a large pink thing that vaguely resembled a human. Not a raptor, thank god.

That said pink blob had turned most of their attackers _-along with a good portion of his own agents!-_ into candy and was currently _eating them_ was not lost on Fury, not in the least. He'd seen strange things in his day, but the transmutation of human beings into edible food was right up there with day turning into night and vice versa. It certainly did help ol' blobby had popped a squat right in the control room, and, didn't seem too keen on leaving. The lone agent who'd tried was currently missing half of his...well, everything.

And that only made him angrier!

"The fuck're you?!"

It had only one word for him.

 _"Buu!"_

Buu. Of course it was Buu. Because they didn't have enough nonsensical creatures on this ship!

 _Don't snap, don't snap, for the love of god, Fury, do not snap..._

He chanted the words like a mantra in his mind, struggling to keep his anger in check. After the evening he'd had, it was like trying to bridge a dam with sticks. Water was bound to leak around the cracks in a dam like that, and so too did his anger, boiling, thrashing, threatening to slip its leash and rage out of control.

"Well, Buu," he began with an effort, "I need you to turn my people back to normal. Now."

"Buu not like you!" the creature cried, scowling. "You no Naruto! Buu no listen!"

A muscle jumped in Fury's jaw.

"Ohhhhh, yes you will listen you little-

"BUU NO LIKE YOU! MAKE YOU CHOCOLATE!"

 _ **"HOLD IT!"**_

Incredibly, the creature actually paused.

Fury nearly shot the voice for speaking regardless, until he recognized the speaker herself, standing at his elbow.

Battered and tattered, her red hair sticking up at an angle, her body covered in dirt, grime, and lord knew what else, Natasha Romanoff reported for duty. She looked a sorry sight, favoring her right leg over the left, but somehow she was still in one piece despite the chaos raging throughout the base. That she was here at all was baffling to the extreme; the spy looked like she'd been crawling in the vents for the last hour now. How she was still alive with that crazy alien about was beyond him.

"Romanoff? I thought you were dealing with doctor Banner?"

That phrase got him a look of bloody red daggers.

"With all due respect sir...hell no. Here, let me handle this." before he could thrash her for insubordination she sauntered over to the giant gelatinous blob and tapped it on the shoulder. By contrast, Buu gave her his full attention, a rotund head turning an one hundred and eight degrees to look her square in the eyes.

"Buu, right?" Natash asked lightly.

The majin nodded slowly.

"You're Naruto's friend, right?"

"Hmm...yes! Naruto Buu's friend! Bestest and only friend!"

The surety-innocence-with which it spoke momentarily gave the spy pause. Naruto didn't strike her as the sort to make friends. Much less with a...being like this.

Interesting.

Perhaps she'd misjudged him, after all.

"But you're eating Naruto's _other_ friends." she pointed out, indicating the gumballs in the majin's gloved hands. "Naruto wouldn't like that, would he? If you eat all of them, it would make him sad." The creature seemed to consider that for a long moment, pondering her words with an intelligence that belied its girth. And then, to Fury's disbelief...it listened.

It was like flipping a switch.

"Buu like pretty lady. Buu listen."

Fury balked, eye twitching as the strange tentacle on Buu's head twitched. A bright pink light engulfed the gumballs and just like that, the agents found themselves restored. A few were traumatized over being turned to candy, gibbering quietly to themselves. The rest were simply happy to be alive, and not food for the ravenous pink menace.

Dumbfounded, Fury turned that eye on Romanoff.

"How did you do that?"

Natasha smirked.

 _"Trade secret."_

* * *

 _(Deeper still in the Heli-carrier...)_

Loki was not pleased.

Not in the least.

 _'Kill him. I am going to KILL that blithering idiot, if its the last thing I do!'_

Not only had his plans been thwarted-so much thwarting!-but he was still trapped in this infernal chamber, hanging over a precarious pit safeguarded by only a thin layer of oscilating metal. Every tremor from the beasts beating upon one another shook his cage, a dread feeling of inching toward certain doom. He wasn't entirely certain he'd survive a fall from this height, and that uncertainty gnawed at him like a feral beast itself, making him fret all the more.

Loki didn't like to fret.

He knew that, should he fall, he likely wouldn't have time to break free. His talents did not lay in the realm of brute strength, but of the mind and manipulation. He really, really, REALLY didn't want to fall...

Then suddenly, incredibly, the doors opened.

For a moment he simply stood there, baffled. His head turned, half-expecting to find a certain rogue god responsible for his liberation. When no such being appeared, he almost dared to hope that this was an act of fate, a sign that, perhaps, things were finally looking up for him. Surely, it must be a sign!

"Well, that's certainly...convenient."

Out of the corner of his eye one of his followers-easily identified by the bright blue light of his eyes-bustled forward, bearing his weapon in hand. Loki accepted it with all the grace of a king. Ah. So nice to have someone you could rely on. Good help was so hard to find these days-

Alas, it was not meant to be.

He took a step forward-

 _Click._

A dull blast of heat and fire slammed into his helper, blasting the man to ash on the spot.

Sighing, Loki turned in the direction.

Agent Coulson was waiting there for him, strange rifle in hand. He raised an eyebrow, smiling.

"Fancy meeting you here."

Once, in a different universe, Loki would've toyed with him.

Now?

 _'Enough! I tire of these mortals!'_

In a single, blinding flicker his illusion vanished.

By the time the determined agent realized what was happening, it was already too late. He found himself lifted up, impaled from behind by the scepter, skewered like a fish. Pausing just long enough to cast him aside, the asgardian moved to the catwalk-

-and came face to face with a rather imposing weapon, found himself staring down a familiar barrel. The muzzle of that cannon exuded warmth, suggesting it had been discharged, recently. Far too recently for his liking. The expressionless slit of Naruto's infamous _Peacekeeper_ suit remained utterly emotionless-genderless-but the voice that emanated from was decidedly female. And she sounded _far_ too smug for his liking.

 _"Now, now, I wouldn't do that if I were you."_

"Lets not be hasty-" The trickster God started, shifting slightly to the side-

 _WHUMP._

A dull thud cracked in his ears as the beam rifle discharged mere millimeters from his face, blasting a fist-sized hole in the floor of his cage. And another when he tried to duck. Spiderweb cracks splintered in the glass, the small fissures spreading madly as he looked on.

 _"Don't. Move."_ it was not a suggestion, this time. _"Hands where I can see them."_

"And so the mad god sends his suit to fight in his stead." he sneered, raising his hands in contemptuous surrender, dropping the staff. "A bit of data in a metal shell, pretending to be alive. Is he too cowardly to face me himself? He hides behind you and his trinkets, his _trophies_ , using you to do his dirty deeds."

 _"Hardly."_ Cortana scoffed. _"He has bigger fish to fry."_

As if to echo that very thought, a distant tremor shook the room. Loki looked up, laughing.

"Ah yes," his hands clapped together with a loud, satisfied pop, "The green monster pretending to be a man. A most formidable opponent. I daresay even he would struggle with such a foe."

A small, tinny laugh answered him. _"The boss's fought worse and survived. I know him."_

"Do you?"

Cortana didn't rise to the verbal jab; she simply raised her weapon a little higher and shot his chest full of plasma.

"Oomph!"

Breath gusted out of his lungs with a mighty wheeze as he flew backwards, his back crushing against the nearest wall of the chamber. His chest protested violently, the searing burn aching vigorously through his armor like a thing alive. Muttering crossly he sat up, flinching slightly at the grievous ache. His armor-what little he had-must've serve its purpose, because he was still alive. Alive, and less than pleased.

"My god, do you have any idea how long its going to take for me to-

 _"You rang, good sir?"_

Loki's head snapped up as a familiar, inane voice chimed in his ear. A shadowy, spiky-haired being whispered into existence before him, grinning. As though the mere mention of god had drawn him here. Hmm. Perhaps it had. Bastard had a knack for showing up where he was least wanted, after all.

"You."

"Me." Naruto beamed back at him, his blue eyes hidden by...were those sunglasses? Why the devil was he wearing those at night?! "Now then, stop me if you've heard this before."

"Heard wha-

 _ **"LIBERATION!"**_

With a cry renowned the world over, the whiskered warrior lashed out with his boot and Loki tasted blood in his mouth.

The subsequent impact launched him clear out of the containment chamber, his body skidding and flipping across the deck. A kick like that would've broken most men; it was only Loki's Asgardian physiology-and surely legions of fans-that spared him the fate of becoming a greasy red smear upon the nearest wall. Instead he lay there, groaning, insensate as strong footsteps plodded towards him.

 _"Boss, you've got to stop taking those walks of yours,"_ Cortana quipped.

"And these people need to hook up some godamn DSL in here." her partner shot back, with snark to spare. "You can't blame me for going overboard when there's so little to do~!"

Loki groaned.

 _"Oh, I think he's still alive."_

"Hmm? He is? Great!"

Dimly, the asgardian became aware of movement; he was being lifted by the collar, forced to confront his tormentor. Those eerie glasses reflected nothing, but his smile was telling. It spoke entire volumes of what this mad demon god intended to do to him and Loki wanted no part of it. No part! Not even a little bit! Not at all! He wanted to get far, far, FAR away from this madman as he could.

"Have I ever told you the definition of insanity?" Naruto asked pleasantly.

"I get the feeling you're going to, anyway." the battered god sighed, looking away.

"Quite right!"

Another kick, another crack in the glass.

"Insanity is," Naruto began merrily as Loki writhed beneath him, clutching his groin in agony, "Doing the same, exact, fucking thing, over and over and OVER AGAIN, expecting shit to change. Did you know that? No? Seriously? I thought you, of all people would understand. But you don't, do ya?" his head cocked aside madly, grinning. "That. Is. Crazy. No no no no, this time! No no no, please, this time will be different. But it isn't different after all is it, Loki? I told you, remember? World domination's just too much work!"

"And what would you have me do?" the trickster gasped.

"Well, you refuse to flood the world with ramen, so there's really no helping you, I suppose _...here."_

To his dismay, then disbelief, Loki found himself dropped to the floor. Moments later his staff, gemstone and all, came sailing through the air towards him. He caught it deftly, securing the powerful weapon in his grasp the moment it was within reach again. He had his weapon back, after losing it. Twice. Yet still, he doubted its existence. What was this, a trap of some sort?

"How did you...?"

"God, remember?" Naruto drawled, rubbing his fingers together. "For the love of me, I'm getting REALLY tired of people being surprised at what I can do. For example, I could just zap you up to the moon-"

"-I'd really rather you didn't!-"

 _ **"DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK?!"**_

He spat blood as another boot found his face.

"Now, where was I...?"

For some reason, the insufferable man was still wearing those sunglasses, despite the scarlet stains upon them. Loki glowered at his own reflection, resisting the urge to strike. He had the distinct feeling that the blond would just turn any sort of surprise attack back on him. Even so, he couldn't quite let the sentiment go.

"You do realize I'm going to kill you the moment you turn your back."

Naruto hummed and nodded sagely.

"You're angry, Loki. I get that. I'm angry, too. Almost all the time, in fact. But, you see, I find whatever doesn't kill you makes you...stranger. Suffice it to say I'm pretty strange by now. I'm not good, not evil, hell, I'm pretty sure I'm not even _neutral_. I'm just...me. I do what I want, when I want, who I want. Huh." His head tilted, pondering. "Probably went too far on the last bit, eh, Cortana?"

 _"You think?"_

"Regardless," he continued with a jaunty laugh, "This little invasion of yours presents a unique...opportunity, if played out properly, ya know. A chance for me to cut on loose and have some fun. That's all I'm really here for. Entertainment. I'm not worried about death," his hand waved nonchalantly. "I can fix that. It's been ages since I had the chance to fight an entire army like yours-

 _"Ahem."_ Cortana coughed loudly. _"I thought we agreed we were going to STOP the alien invasion, this time?"_

"C'mon, what's the worst that could happ-

Her reply was decidedly icy.

 _"District. Nine. In. Reverse."_

Naruto sighed, visibly deflating like a spent ballon. "Fine, fine, ruin all the fun. Put the fun in camps, why don't you?"

 _"Someone has to keep you on track."_

"Jeez, alright, sorry Loki. Looks like I'm gonna be the good guy-ugh!-and stop ya."

Loki was expecting him to pull something out of his handy utility belt.

He _wasn't_ expecting it to glow, however.

With a terrifying sound recognized worlds over, the blond ignited the _Lightsaber_ and stepped forward. A crimson bar of wrathful red rose from the cylinder, erupting outward with a bright glower of light, the very picture of a deadly weapon coalesced in this brilliant beam of light.

"What manner of trinket is that?"

"This trinket, as you call it," Naruto purred, moving his humming blade from side to side with a dull thrum, "Is a _lightsaber_ , plucked from the corpse of a sith lord." He moved it again, the amber blade casting his face in orange relief. "I rather like the color, don't you? I think it suits me. I mean, blue and green are nice and all, but let's face it; red is baddass. Dramatic. Lethal. It ain't a pansy color. So? What're you waiting for? Have at thee!"

"You must be joking." Loki found himself raising his staff at the blond's approach.

"Do I look like I'm kidding around?"

"Actually-

However, before the two gods could engage one another in the timeless art of swordplay...

Naruto stiffened.

 _"Oh. Seems we have company..."_

His words trailed off as the sound of hurried footfalls reached his ears. Naruto cocked his head like a curious fox as soldiers stormed the room-the distinctive click of armed rifles raised in his and Cortana's direction told him they weren't exactly the friend sort. His saber lowered marginally, molten tip grazing the ground and drawing sparks.

"I brought some friends." Loki smiled, spreading his hands and stepping away. "I'm _terribly_ sorry to cut this short, but I have pressing matters to attend to. Thank you ever so kindly for returning my staff. I hope you don't mind if I step out." As expected, his adversary didn't bat an eyelash at the remark.

"You do know this won't stop me." he hummed.

"No, but it _will_ slow you." Loki shot back. "How long will it take you? Thirty seconds? Maybe more? By then, I'll be long gone."

 _"Heh."_

He wasn't expecting the laugh.

It burst out of Naruto suddenly and without warning, completely unexpected. A rich, ricocheting sound that bounced off the metal walls and ceiling. It was the laughter of a mad god, made merrily insane through choice, not consequence. He gave one final, tittering chuckle and straightened, those eerie black, opaque glasses reflecting the Asgardian's dismayed expression within. Wiping a mirthful tear from his eyes, the horned deity did a little spin on his right heel, sighing like an indulgent parent.

"Ah, Loki, Loki, my dear _Loki-kun...you never learn."_

In that moment, he reached for those sunglasses. He didn't remove them however, his fingers simply brushing the bleak plastic.

"Tell me, do you know Albert Wesker?"

"Albert _who?"_

"Pity. Didn't think you did. I stole this line from him. Right before I killed the cheeky dick waffle. By the way, about your friends, well...

 _...you should've brought more."_

His fingers snapped, and what had once been a precarious catwalk surrounding the cage suddenly became a flat surface, solid in its steel. Another snap of those gloved fingers and the air parted, ruptured, tearing itself to pieces in a way that Loki had only seen once before. He stared into the void, and the void stared back. A single, glowing orange eye appeared within, a being so enormous that Naruto'd had to reshape the very room itself to make space for her.

Then, that something else was in the room with them.

Something...

 _...big._

 **"ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"**

 _'Well, that's just lovely!'_

A grey-white blur of wrath and terror swarmed over Loki's men with a snarl, giant teeth clamping around three and tearing them to bloody pieces in the time that it took most men to blink. In the next instant she spun, a whip-like tail scything out to crush her enemies, giant, pillar-like legs stomping those underfoot. It was a great beast of a monster that put even a Tyranosaur to shame, and now, she was looking at him... _oh Odin, he knew this wasn't going to end well, not well at all..._

Indominus Rex lowered her head and roared, spattering Loki with blood and saliva, drenching him head to toe in bodily fluids. Noxious breath-the scent of decay-washed over him, the smell of death promising a terrible and painful death between those jaws.

The Asgardian went pale beneath that thick sheen of moisture and blood.

He barely registered it.

"Oh." the word forced itself out of his throat in a soft squeak. "This...this is new."

A low, bestial rumble greeted him.

Her eyes burned like fire, slit eyes regarding him with frightening intelligence. The she turned and, in a lightning fast motion, bit Naruto's head-and most of his shoulders-off in one clean bite. Loki couldn't help himself at that. Now it was he who laughed, a disbelieving bark of mirth leaping from his parched throat. That laughter died when those arms moved, feeling around for his head. No. Stricken, he could only look on as a hand gave a mighty tug, reaching into his chest cavity and _pulled out the rest of his missing torso._

"Owowowowowow!" the newly regenerated deity hissed, rubbing at his face. "What was that for?!"

She clicked her teeth at him.

"Hey, I wasn't ignoring you! I was busy! Saving the world take a lot out of me!"

A belligerent snort followed, large orange eyes rolling.

"Don't you give me that look, young lady! You're not too old to be grounded, ya know!"

The mighty rex huffed, and just like that, her titanic form began to blur. Rippling like water, her hide shifting, shrinking, compacting...

Within a matter of moments, Loki was looking at a young woman.

Clad in a scarlet sundress-the color of blood, he noted-he couldn't help but notice she looked rather...fierce. Bits of white scale lined her brow and face in indiscernable patterns, intricate white lines swirling across a slim visage and body, only enhancing her primal beauty. The shade of her skin stood not far cry from the grey-white beast he'd seen only moments before. She stood a full head shorter than her master, but even her lack of height couldn't detract from the sheer amount of menace she exuded.

"Don't. Ignore. Me." Her voice could've put the loveliest of sirens to shame, softer than satin sheets, yet her clipped tone was sharper than any blade. It was the voice of a beast, but also a human, one and the same, an indomitable beast that made absolutely no sense at all.

 _'Who...what...when...where...why...how...?!'_

In that moment, Loki's mind was well and truly fucked.

"I suppose you want a turn with him, then." Naruto sighed, switching off his saber, hooking it to his belt.

Indy's smirk widened and she nodded. Leaning back on her perch she puffed out her chest and stretched her arms up over her head. Her bosom swelled suggestively, and the indomitable hybrid eyed the soldiers in the room with a dangerously bloodthirsty gleam in her eyes. Loki balked. He knew that look! That look was nothing good! That it was coming from a young girl who only moments before, had been a towering predator, well it was enough to make him outright soil himself.

"Madness." he whispered.

The blond beamed. "I'm glad you think so. Sic 'em!"

Instinct took over.

 _'Nope, nope, nope, ABSOLUTELY NOT!'_

Balking, he stumbled back from the approaching -

-and the door to his prison slammed shut on his face, sealing him in the containment chamber once more. Indy skidded to a half only a few feet away, a clawed digit tapping at the glass. Grinning, she etched out a lone word into the reflective surface, a word as timeless as it had meaning.

 _"Gotcha."_

"WHAT?! No!"

"Now, what did Fury say?" Loki spun about to see Naruto approaching a familiar console, grinning like a foxy devil. "Thirty thousand feet down in a steel trap? See, that... would hurt me. That'd hurt me _a lot._ " His hand hovered over the console, fingers splayed cheerfully. "I'm willing to bet it'd hurt you even more, ya know? Hope you survive, though. It'd be a crying shame to kill someone like you. Here, I'll even give you a parachute."

Loki banged furiously against the glass, uncaring for the parcel that had just landed on his back.

"Release me at once! I command you!"

"Nope!" Indy chirruped.

"If you kill me, you'll never find the Tesseract!"

"I already know where it is." Naruto replied, his hand inching forward.

"I can offer you wealth! Power!"

"Don't need 'em."

 _I have blundered._

That was his last thought before Naruto's hand slammed down on the release button. With a whirring hiss, the steel opened beneath his feet, wind keening. Horrified, he could only clutch at his staff. He eyed a crack in the glass, mind racing. Maybe, just maybe he could-

"Have a nice fall!"

Loki looked down, balking as the sky opened beneath him, then glowered at his tormentor. Oh, if only looks could kill!

"You insufferable, arrogant, _miserable_ piece of festering _waaaaaaaaaa-_

That was all he had time for before the canister plunged downward to earth with a dull whoosh of sound Before long one could barely see it in the stormy sky, plunging through the black clouds of night until it was little more than distant white speck on the horizon, then, not even that.

 _"You do realize that probably won't kill him."_ Cortana said, peering down the chute.

"Maybe," Naruto admitted, shrugging. "Maybe not. One way or another though...

...it _will_ piss him off."

As luck would have it, it also pissed off everyone else.

* * *

 _(Sunrise...)_

"ARE YOU INSANE?!"

Naruto offered a jaw-popping yaw as Fury's shouted washed over him with, well...fury. More words followed, blah, blah, anger, blah blah rage, blah blah blah, compromised mission, blah. Finally he turned his head from where he sat at the table, calmly craning his head up once he was certain the director's tirade had ended. The one-eyed man looked to be all of three seconds from reaching across the table and strangling the life out of him.

And he very well might have, were it not for a protective Indy curled up in his lap. Even as he looked on she nipped at Killa when he tried to claim her spot, body bristling. The xenomorph retreated with a whine and had to content itself with an errant head rub from its master instead.

One look at Fury's wrathful expression and they _both_ hissed, Indy's predominant fangs peeking up behind the swell of her lips, and the xenomorph's second mouth snapping threateningly.

"I am quite in control of my faculties, I assure you." Naruto replied, stroking her hair with one hand and Killa's crest with the other. They purred happily, anger forgotten. "We won, didn't we? The sun's coming up, and I count that we haven't lost a man...well, not too many. Are we counting the one's Buu ate?"

Despite himself, Tony snickered.

Fury's glare put paid to that.

"We won?" the deadpan was barely concealed, outright murderous, even. "The heli-carrier is damaged almost beyond repair, doctor Banner is missing, you just killed our only lead, and you say we WON? You and I have very different definitions of the word, Naruto."

"I did not kill Loki." came the reply.

Thor and Fury perked up as one.

"What?"

"He's alive." Naruto drawled, idly rubbing two fingers together. "I slapped a hiraishin, that'd be a flying-thunder-god for those of ya who don't know Japanese, mark on him during our scuffle. It'd tell me if he was dead. Which, I might add, it hasn't. And thus I know that's fine. Battered, bruised, but alive."

The asgardian groaned.

"Do not do that again, friend Naruto."

"No promises."

Fury wasn't one to be dissuaded, however.

"That doesn't change the fact that we have no way of tracking the cube now that you saw fit to knock him out of our lap."

"Okay, first off, _nasty_ analogy. Let's not go there again. Second,"

He drew a deep breath.

"Might I add that I was a great help here to everyone, today? No? Pretty sure I was. Lets see," he began to count off on his fingers, "I helped Stripes over there, Stark with the rotor, single-handedly prevented the Hulk from _destroying everything_ in sight, saved Coulson's life, _and_ kept the bridge from being compromised beyond repair. Really, the only one I traumatized was Thor with the talking pop tart and a few people with gumball issues. And we have Barton back! Good solid name, that. Barton. Barton. Baaaaaarton-

Natasha threw a cup at him. It shattered harmlessly against his skull.

"Barton." he said one last time.

"Naruto!"

"Alright, alright, I've got it out of my system. Maybe."

Shaking himself, he continued.

"Look, the point is, a good man almost died today because we didn't have our act together. How many will it take next time, huh? A dozen? Hundred?" he stood abruptly, dislodging Indy with a yelp. "I've been down this road before and I do _not_ like it when innocents die." His finger slammed against the table almost casually, shattering it. "If I hadn't been here? Coulson would be _gone_. Dead. Buried. In the ground. So, after all I've done today, I think I deserve a little leeway! And _you-all of you-_ need to _be_ better!"

"What are you proposing?"

Naruto glowered at Steve.

"I'm proposing that you lot set your differences aside, get your fucking act together and work as a team." his gaze swept over them all, glowering. "Because I sure as _fuck_ don't plan on saving this world by myself. So I "propose" dear Stevie, that ya'll shape up, or shut up. Simple as that."

"Well?"

There was a strangled silence.

Everyone exchanged looks.

...I think we can do that."

"Oh. Well, good." Naruto deflated sheepishly. "That makes this easier. For a second there, I thought I'd have to dig into my bag of tricks, or-

Tony zeroed in on the grimace almost immediately.

"Why?"

"Because I may just-so-happen to know where he plans to unleash this army of his."

"Why didn't you just say so?!"

A blink.

"Why didn't you ask?"

"For the love of-TELL US!"

"Well, Loki's the sort to make a statement. That's what its been about from the get-go. He _wants_ to be recognized, to be acknowledged. Its his ego. He can't ignore it. So naturally he's going to go for one of the biggest, brightest buildings around, and I think we all know that'd probably be-

"Stark Tower." Tony finished quietly. It didn't last. "My tower!" he shot up fro the ruined table with a yelp, tugging at his hair. "Uh-uh. Not happening. No way in hell. I just built that thing!"

Natasha blanched.

"Well, this is less than optimal."

Naruto snorted.

"Bah! If we're working together, what's the worst that could-

* * *

 _-happen."_

He finished hours later, looking up at the gaping wormhole in the sky.

Then up, up, up again.

All around them the city screamed and wailed in sheer, bloody terror, people panicking as hordes of Chitauri spilled from the sky. The battle had only just begun and already there was mass panic and chaos. He could just imagine Cortana scolding him for letting the situation get out of hand. But he'd really been curious...!

"THIS!" Tony ranted at him. "This could happen! You just had to say it, didn't you?!"

Whatever Naruto might've said ended in a strangled yelp as he ducked under an overpass. Iron Man wasn't far beyond, blasting a hapless chitauri who came too close.

"Sorry!" the blond hissed. "Just give me a sec!"

"In case you haven't noticed, we don't HAVE a...what are you doing?"

"So..an army, hmm." He paused, rummaging through his bag of tricks, humming softly to himself. "Let's see here, no, no, Zangetsu's too flashy. I don't know any of their names, so the Death Note is out. Don't want to summon Cthulu again after what happened last time. Death Star? Naw. AHA! There it is! Come to daddy, my pretty!" Cackling, he plunged a hand into the seemingly harmless sack...

...and just like that, he was holding Excalibur.

Iron man nearly choked on his own spit. "What in the...

"No, this isn't what I was looking for!" He tossed the sword away and dipped his gauntlet into the sack once more. "Ah. There he is." With a mighty heave, he tossed out a man who made even Gods quiver in their very boots. A man whom reality itself bowed to. An entity that death itself feared. A man who attacked sharks when he smelled them bleed.

Out came Chuck Norris, the bearded Texas ranger, cracking his knuckles.

The Chitauri took one look at this deadly, almighty human and ran away, shrieking.

Tony balked.

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU KEEPING HIM?!"

Naruto only grinned.

"...places."

"I...you...how?!"

"Fuck you, Stark, that's how." his glib reply was decidedly cheeky.

"That doesn't make any sense!"

What followed was an absolute massacre of hilarity and insanity...

...one the universe would never forget.

 **A/N: And there we go. BATTLE CONCLUDES NEXT CHAPPY! I promise, it'll make ya laugh!**

 **I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he is (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself, and of course (3) underneath it all still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.**

 **MORE INSANITY COMING NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW! And don't you just love Killa? He's a good boy! Erm...most of the time.**

 **So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Its a bit of a teaser and an omake in the same verse! Hope it makes ya smile! I could really use one right about now...AND BY MASS DEMAND, THAR BE TWO!**

 **(Preview/Omake!)**

 _"Nope nope nope!"_

 _Captain America had never seen someone so skittish; he'd seen this man tackle the Hulk through a building, watched as he butchered entire armies with one hand, and more. This man was a friend at times, an enemy at another, but more than that, he was someone who you could count on in a pinch. Now he was whimpering like a frightened puppy._

 _"What're you so afraid of?" Natasha snorted. "I'll be right there with you."_

 _Naruto looked at the haunted house and HISSED._

 _"I'm not going in there! Ya can't make me!"_

 _"Really." she deadpanned._

 _"REALLY! I...oh."_

 _Naruto felt his words trail off as she redhead whispered in his ear._

 _"Well, ah, that's certainly convincing..._

* * *

 ** _"YOU DONE GOOFED."_**

 _Ultron sighed, pausing in mid-stride. "Oh for the love of...didn't I just kill you?"_

 _"Kill is such a relative term." came the reply. "You can kill a man quite easily. Hell, you can even kill a God, if you do it right. But to truly kill somebody? That involves brainwashing, erasing all trace of their identity from books, papers, media, its just too much of a hastle, ya know? I prefer living, anyway."_

 _"How did you even-?"_

 _The corpse shrugged its shoulders, rubbing at its bare skull. "I could go with the classic "Fuck you, that's how!" but I'm in a good mood today. Lets just say...science. Like this Infinity Gauntlet I've been looking at. It's a copy of a copy of course, and without the stones themselves its less than worthless to me, but still! Science. Or a lack, thereof."_

 _"That doesn't make any sense."_

 _"No." the deity answered, grinning with the rictus of its mouth. "I suppose it doesn't." Almost completely restored now, the blond returned his attention to the pet project at his desk._

 _"I'm just saying,"_

 _Naruto stood slowly from his place behind the bench, haphazardly dismantling the gauntlet he'd been working on. Ultron tracked his movement warily as he rounded the battered furniture, not entirely certain of what to expect. Everything he had on the blond, every bit of data said he was unpredictable, ever-changing as a summer breeze. He'd fought with and against heroes. Could reshape reality at will. By all rights, he was the most dangerous one out there. He should know. Bits of the blond were a part of him, after all._

 _And yet, he didn't attack._

 _"No no no, I'm fine with that. Global extinction can be a good thing, sometimes. Just look at the dinosaurs. BOOM! Wiped out. You're trying to do the same to humanity because you think you understand them. That the way to peace is through extinction._

 _There was an awkward silence._

 _"Well, yes."_

 _"You wouldn't say the same if you saw life from their shoes." the deity challenged. "Humans have a lot to offer, ya know."_

 _That tore it._

 _"Oh sure, that sounds wonderful." photoreceptors rolled in annoyance, a hand rising. "I'll get right to that after-NOT HAPPENING."_

 _"Whoa, whoa, I'm no here to fight! I'm here to talk."_

 _"Talk." Ultrons deadpan was barely concealed. "You came here to talk. With me. After I killed you."  
_

 _"Yup." Naruto's head bobbed. "And to change your mind. Its what I do."_

 _"You...you're not quite sane, are you?"_

 _"Nope. Not a bit."_

 **NARUTO AND ULTRON ACTUALLY GETTING ALONG?! ZE HORROR!**

 **R &R~! =D**


	4. Can't Have Nice Things

**A/N: I RETURN, MY SUBJECTS! And I have this to say...**

 **...MORE THAN FOUR HUNDRED REVIEWS SO SOON AFTER THE LAST CHAPTER?! THAT'S AWESOME! I LOVE YOU GUYS!**

 **I recently had the privilege of watching Avengers: Age of Ultron, and I'll admit, it got me on a bit of a Marvel craze. So I've been working my way through the movies for the last few days, and an hour ago, I watched the first Avengers. One line said by Captain America really stood out for me, so I thought to myself, ah, what the hell. It ought to be fun, writing in a universe like this, one I haven't touched often. I'll write this for shits and giggles, if nothing else.**

 **That's right, folks! Uzumaki Naruto is here, and...**

 **...he ain't going home! The title and name of this fic is inspired by the song, you guessed it, "Not Going Home" by Con Bro Chill. I strongly suggest giving it a listen! I sincerely hope this makes ya'll smile, as it did for me! I'm writing this as a way to cope in a sense. After all, I'd rather write a happy little story than mourn over my best friend's death, and he was a major fan of Avengers and Naruto, so, yeah, I guess this is for him. Now remember, this is a story written in jest, and it was either this or drink myself stupid in depression, so...**

 **...PLEASE BE NICE! And yes, this does branch out into the rest of the Marvel universe and will include Ultron...and this chapter is dopey, silly, and all around amusing. Hope ya like it!**

 **LET THE INSANITY CONTINUE! ITS A NICE AND LONG ONE! And TOOOOONS OF REFERENCES! So...**

 **...Keep voting for the pairing, ya'll! There's a poll on my profile now! Also, to the annoying jerks who keep flaming, would you kindly stop? This story is supposed to be funny, silly, and all around fun to read. If you don't like reading about a powerful Naruto, then don't. Please do not slander me with your hate. To those of you who are enjoying this story, by all means, continue!**

 **KILLA HAS HIS TIME TO SHINE IN THIS CHAP! WARNING, ITS BLOODY! To another hater, this ain't a parody, mate. Its a story written for fun, so enjoy the insanity. I don't ask ya'll to take Naruto seriously, just enjoy the chaos he creates. And yes, Naruto THINKS that the multiverse is limited. Oh, how wrong he is... =D**

 **And as another note, it is currently EVENING in this fic, thanks to Naruto flaunting his powers. And for those who have been following Clever Girl, YES, Indy does pop up in this chapter! Let me just say this, this is very much a crack fic, NOT a parody, and its deliberately meant to be as funny and chaotic as hell! There are a TON of references and crossovers here, so my humble reader...**

 **...I DARE THEE TO FIND THEM ALL! OVER TEN THOUUUUUUUSAND WORDS! JUST FOR YOU DEAR READER(S)! Also, lets clarify, the Ultron bit was an _omake_ that doesn't happen quite yet. Ya'll really wanted to know if I was covering the other movies, Winter Soldier, Iron Man Three, Ragnarok, etc so and so forth, since they contribute so much to the Avengers as a whole. Well now-I believe the quote on the bottom answers that question...**

 **...also...MAJOR CRACK IN THIS CHAPTER! OVER SEVEN THOUSAND WORDS! GO AHEAD! LAUGH! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO...**

 _"Why don't I snap my fingers and end it all? I'll tell ya why..._

 _...because that's just no fun! By the way...on your left."_

 _"What? Don't you mean on your right?"_

 _"NO! ON YOUR LEFT! EAT MY DUST, BOY SCOUUUUUUT!"_

 _~?!_

 **Can't Have Nice Things**

 _Well, this it!_

 _The final battle!_

 _Now, I'm sure you think you've got me completely pegged by now, dear reader; you think its going to be a prolonged, tumultuous combat filled with epic one-liners and a terrible, tragic sacrifice, right? And at the end of such a noble death, the hero will gather himself up, rally on and defeat the villain with the power of FRIENDSHIP! Right? Riiiiiiight?_

 _NOPE!_

 _Are you kidding?! Why the hell would I do that?! Power of friendsh-NO! Absolutely not! Why would you even think that?! What kind of fool do you take me for?!_

 _The battle against the chitauri was short, messy and BLOODY GLORIOUS. Oh, a few memorable words here and there, but looking back it was mostly one good, rousing beat-em-up. I pulled out all the stops, called upon my best allies, items, and some unwilling help from those I'd met along the way. So yeah, roughly a fourth of everyplace I've been thus far. Not a bad day, I say._

 _Why, you ask?_

 _Because, for the first time since fighting a certain deity waaaaaaay back in Dragonball Z, I didn't hold back._

 _To put it bluntly, I snapped and went to town on the Chitari with the Avengers._

 _As a mentor of mine once said:_

 _"As the fabric of your robe flaps around to the side, dancing to the wind, singing an anthem of forever, you lay one foot after the other. Sweat raining down your prow like the skies have cried on you. The ground quakes with your power. Cracking a brittle and cold world with new ways. But you stop, for what? A weak twine holds you to the past. And it snaps."_

 _Just._

 _Like._

 _Me._

* * *

Chuck.

Fucking.

 _ **NORRIS.**_

Tony wasn't sure if he was about to have an aneurysm or a seizure outright.

Probably both, come to think of it seeing as, really, he hadn't slept in about a day now...oh, and this. THIS!

Because Naruto, this insufferable, brutal, baffling blond deity who seemed to genuinely enjoy wreaking havoc as a whole had just reached into a damn bag and pulled out the world's deadliest man. _A man-legend!-who made even Gods quiver in their very boots. A man whom reality itself bowed to. An entity that death itself feared. A man who attacked sharks when he smelled them bleed._

One swing of those legendary fists-a single look at that beard-and entire legions of the Chitari scattered like so many leaves against a strong wind. Words alone could not even _begin_ to describe the depth-and agony!-of the ass kicking he was witnessing here today, and he likely wouldn't ever witness something like it again.

"Well. I guess we won." he sighed, raising his hands in surrender. "Go team. So, you wanna tell boy scout or-"

"Oops!" Naruto paused, delving into his "bag of tricks" for a second time. "Almost forgot! You can't have Chuck Norris without...!"

"Wait, wait, wait, just who else do you have in there-

 _"Segata Sanshiro!"_

Tony Stark, the immovable Iron Man, nearly fainted dead away when a familiar, timeless, gi-clad figure came flying out of that rough, burlap sack. The judo throws started moments later, hapless soldiers carroming off buildings, into streets, hurled away into the very atmosphere itself...what kind of monster was this?! As if to punctuate that very thought, another Chitari airship exploded overhead. Slowly, painfully, Tony raised up his faceplate, directing a scathing stare at the beaming bond.

 _"Seriously?"_

An awkward moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Too much?" Naruto offered.

"Ya think?!

"Well, I'd call 'em back, but even _I_ know better than to mess with those two after I've let 'em loose." all he got was a shrugged from his fellow avenger, the shoulders of his suit rolling with a sharp pop. "Its like Killa. I sent him to help Barton, and I'm pretty sure he's not coming back until he's had his fill."

"Wait wait wait." Now, even _he_ had seen Alien once or twice, and he knew how that sort of thing endeded. "You sent, and let me be absolutely crystal clear on this, a xenomorph, into a city of people!"

"What? He's totally kosher! He's not going to bite anyone's face off...I think."

"That's it. I give up." Tony raised his hands, palms-and repulsors!-spread up. "No, seriously, I'm done for today. I surrender-

"Missile incoming." Naruto chimed pleasantly, tapping his own faceplate down, "Might want to take cover."

"Right, missile _...MISSILE?!"_

With a deafening crack the projectile exploded between them...

...and nothing happened.

Instead of the ancient alien weapon consuming them both in a hail of vaporized atoms, the genius billionare playboy philanthropist found himself safely ensconed-cocooned, really-in a blue bubble. Despite half of a city block being leveled around he was, somehow, safe and sound. Not so much as a dent in the armor, even! Singed servos whirring, Tony wheeled toward the one responsible; and he wasn't entirely certain he liked what he saw there. Kind of frightening, really.

Momentarily baffled by the shit-eating grin that the devilish blond wore, he could only balk as said blond raised a hand and twitched his fingers in the direction of the shooter.

 _"Katsu."_

Just one word.

One word-a mere turn of phrase-and the entire _horizon_ lit up like the Fourth of July, napalm spearing across the city's sky. "Ah, smell that, Stark?" Naruto laughed, spreading his arms wide, so much a prophet imploring the heavens for armaggedon, his horns casting a stark shadow across the smoldering city. "Gotta love the sweet scent of cooked alien in the morning! Bahahahaha!"

"Okay, what the hell, kid?"

"Now, see here, I've told you this already; I'm not a kid." came the humming reply. Leering at the smoldering crater he lowered a hand, the remainder of the barrier crackling harmlessly back into nothingness as he released his control upon it, tongues of blue fires shimmering away into nothingness. "I'm a fuck-mothering God. I've killed a _lot_ of people to get this title, and I deserve to be called as such. Compared to me, Loki's little more than canon fodder. You really think a measly _missile_ can kill me?"

"So, and I'm just asking here, why isn't this invasion over already?"

The blond looked at him as though he'd grown a second head. "End it? I'm just getting started! I haven't had this much fun since I fought Beerus!"

"Who?"

"Some crazy powerful cat-god thing I duked it out with way back." a scarred hand waved errantly, dismissing the subject as a mere afterthought. "Not important. Good fight, though. Haven't enjoyed myself like that for a loooooong time. See, if ya had gods like HIM in your world, I might visit more often."

...I'm not even going to ask."

"Smart move." the horned-ha!-deity chortled, shouldering him aside to stalk down the street. Neither noticed the approaching figure from behind-nay, how could they?-the flare of a blue gunmetal dress flaring slightly in the wind as the newcomer stormed forward. "Now then, lets have some fun, shall we? Still, not too much, wouldn't want to...

 _CLUNK._

An armored fist descended mercilessly out of the blue, crashing mercilessly against the blond's skull and laying him out in an instant. One hit, and this stranger had done what the entire Avengers had failed to do. Tony might have been a bit jealous of it all really, if he wasn't so terrified. Because the look in those grey-green eyes bespoke of death and murder, pain and suffering for anyone who'd got in her way. Pepper had taught him the meaning of that look long ago, and he knew better than to trifle with her. But this one?

NOPE.

Even then he wasn't prepared for Naruto's laughter.

It emerged from him as a short, sharp guffaw, broken only by the sound of the war raging around them. Then he smiled.

"Welcome back!"

...welcome...back?" a voice like a naked blade issued forth from the newcomer's lips. "That's all you have to say?"

"Pretty much, yeah?"

Planting her hands firmly in the whiskered warrior's collar, the fair-haired maiden yanked him upright, hauling him to his feet. A beat of silence passed as she glowered up at the larger man. Just a moment. A second. A single beat of impasse. _Then she shook the god like a ragdoll._ For the first time since he'd met this baffling blond, Tony Stark, found himself treated to a rare sight; bearing witness as the unknown battle maiden rattled like a bobble-head in the hands of an angry woman.

"I can't believe you did that, master!"

"What...did...I...do...?!" he managed to get out between the shakes. "I swear, it wasn't me this time!"

"You threw away my sword!"

...okay, that was me."

"NA~RUO~TO~!" She shook him even harder!

"Deepest apologies, Saber-chan!" Naruto grinned! "I'll give it back, I swear! But now that you're here, mind lending me a hand?" In response, the legendary warrior dropped him. Her eyes seemed to glitter down at him like angry jade diamonds Tony thought, sharp and cutting. Nope. Not getting involved in this, he decided, still unable to move. Somehow a glare like that just rooted you, even when it wasn't directed at you...

"Twelve."

Naruto paused. "Half?"

"You belong to me for the next twelve days." she declared, jerking a thumb toward her armored breast. "There will be no negotiations."

"Oi, oi, I'm the boss here-

"Then I'm taking Excalibur back."

"Okay, OKAY! Twist my arm why don't ya?!"

"Okay, the human's feeling a bit lost, here...

Naruto and Saber finally seemed to remember he existed at that. The whiskered blond raised a hand meekly, scrubbing at the back of his head.

"Tony meet Saber...she's, ah, my...well...its complicated. I guess you could call her my familiar..."

 _"Wife."_ Saber corrected tersely. "And _she_ is not pleased that you threw her EXCALIBUR away!"

"Well, those two are more than enough...but, oi, where's the fun in that? Let's have some overkill!" Fingers snapped, and the air rippled around them; the very fabric of the universe itself tearing apart at his touch. This time, Iron man had the foresight to get the hell out of the way when he saw those eerie amber eyes peering at him from the black. The difference?

There were two.

Oh, lovely. He'd already seen one back on the helicraft, but there were _two_ of the little terrors? And they were smiling at...him?

 _Dear lord, kill me now!_

"HONEY I'M HOME!" Naruto cackled, spreading his arms! "INDY! DINY! LINE 'EM UP AND KNOCK THOSE FUCKERS _**DOWN!"**_

"Oh for the love of-!" Tony narrowly ducked as a pair of furious white-and-silver streaks soared over his head, dinosaur one moment, human the next.

Oh.

Lovely.

Snarling, the younger slammed her elbow up into the nearest's chitari face, shattering the creature's nose, then took the second nearest down with a kick to the leg that splintered bone like rotten wood. In the same breath Diny's hands closed upon the skulls of two more unfortunate aliens and squeezed with her full might. Their heads exploded like overripe grapes, their contents under pressure. Blood spattered in every direction-a fine red mist signalling the end of an additional pair of invaders.

"MINE!" she cried.

"No, mine!"

"MINE!"

"Mineminemine!"

"MINEMINEMINEMINE!"

From there it seemingly dissolved into a contest to simply see who could kill more.

 _"Minemineminemineminemine!"_

Naruto cackled. "That's it, girls! No mercy! Kick their asses!"

Even as Tony's mind registered that particular anomaly the sound of thrusters reached his attention, a short and sharp burst ringing violently in the distance. At first he thought it was another Chitari but no, now that he listened, it wasn't that far off, if anything it seemed to be getting closer and closer...!

"Alright, what is that? Seriously, what even _is_ that?"

 _"Sir," J_ arvis interrupted, _"We have incoming."_

"I noticed, but where...?" The next thing he knew something small landed on his back with all the force of a falling missile, clanging harshly against the suit and flattening him against the ground.

 _Crunch._

"Oomph!"

Breath burst out of his lungs with a great and almighty _whoosh_ , his impact broken only by the unyielding density of his new suit. Of course, nothing could save his pride from Cortana's landing; the suited AI having just planted both feet firmly into his spine. He knew it was the damn bot if only by her cheeky reply. Damn woman sounded almost smug...

 _"Miss me, boss?"_

"Not at all." Naruto laughed, shaking his head. "What kept you?"

 _"Had to download myself into the suit. New body isn't ready yet, remember?"_

"Right, right, I promised you one of those, didn't I...bah, rambling again. You're just in time for the party!"

"Ahem! Down here! Under your foot!"

 _"Sorry!"_

"By the way," Naruto added as Tony climbed to his feet...

...what?"

"If Indy or Diny get hurt, its your ass."

His armored arm shot backwards in the same instant that the chitari sniper opened fire. Bang! A repulsor blast erupted from an outstretched palm, pulverizing the hapless marksman even as it snapped off a wild shot to the east. Before it could hope to fire off another shot, the lance of golden light took it dead in the chest and smashed it to atoms.

"Weeeeeeell, I can see you and Cortana have things perfectly under control here. Have fun! Ciao!"

By the time he'd gathered his wits enough to look again, Naruto, and Saber were but gone.

Cortana offered a mute shrug in her suit; he could've sworn she smiled.

"He doesn't do that often." A pause. "Actually, he does. _A lot."_

Tony could only growl softly.

"Damn kid...

* * *

Maim.

Destroy.

Dismember.

These three words encompassed Clint Barton's entire existence. He wanted to main, destroy, and dismember the hulking xenomorph crouched next to him. In. That. Order. That said beast seemed to be on 'his' side did precious little to curb his destructive impulses. He remembered the beast perfectly well, just as he remembered how it had made a fool of him. His owner wasn't much better. They'd yet to sit down for any real length of conversation, but he'd known just by looking at him that he was trouble. Natasha didn't need to warn him:

He knew their new ally was as mad as a hatter.

His "pet" was another matter entirely.

 _"HIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS!"_

Killa chittered pleasantly at it crushed another Chitari skull in one hand and disemboweled the other's facial cavity with its owny, spraying them with viscuous fluids. It seemed to enjoy that a little too much for his liking, enjoy toying with its prey and ripping them open. God almighty, just thinking about it made him ill! How could such a creature be ANYTHING but vicious! He didn't trust it! Nope! Not one bit!

"You know it would be muuuuuch more enjoyable if you didn't do that."

All he got was a rasping hiss.

"Oh, for the love of God!"

Across the city, he wasn't the only one have a strange encounter...

* * *

Natasha had seen all manner of things in her life.

She had slaughtered ambassadors, politicians, terrorist-even fellow assasins-and emerged without a scratch. Fought down gun-toting mercenaries, men and women who believed themselves to be better than her, some who even were. Throughout it all, she had relied on her wits and skills to make it through. And she had. But this...

...this took the cake. And ate it, too!

"He does tend to go overboard, doesn't he?"

"Eh, what's overboard?" her companion shrugged, cackling as he unloaded another round. "I've done worse. Ever seen the statue of big J?"

...no."

"Everybody's a critic."

Never in all her years had she fought with a man-demon?-who could unleash the very legions of hell themselves against an enemy. Naruto had left her with such an ally. A man in a red hat, burgundy coat, who seemed to have a penchant for spitting filthy, less than suggestive one-liners to anyone within spitting distance. In this instance, that meant her. A sharpshooter who was so much more than that and a being who genuinely, truly frightened her beyond belief.

If only for that one line:

"BITCHES LOVE CANNONS!"

Natasha did not, in fact like cannons.

At all.

* * *

Captain America didn't like cannons either.

In fact, he liked this even less.

Fighting hordes of angry alien invaders alone, outnumbered, against impossible odds, with only a shield. A nigh indestructible shield, but a shield nonetheless. There was only so much one man could do against the tide of the inevitable. So many. Too many. He was losing ground, fighting a one-way battle, and if he didn't receive back up soon-

 _VZZM!_

As if to echo that very thought, a crimson bar whirled over his head, bifurcating a line of alien neatly down the middle. Even as he turned his head a giant slab of concrete ripped itself free from the street, flattening the rest of his alien assailants, grinding them to a pasty pulp beneath. An awkward silence pervaded the battlefield, broken only by his own, ragged gasps.

"Hey, thanks...

A sizzling buzz hummed into existence once more as a heavy, modulated breathing captured his attention and dragged it elsewhere. Turning around again-and starting to become exceedingly worried at just how easily he was being suck up on from behind-Steve couldn't help but stare when he found himself face to face with his savior. Two menacing meters of cloaked black armor holding a glowing red beam of light. Now, he was no fool, he knew enough of this day and age to recognize this...man, if he could even be called such.

 _"Well..._

He couldn't be blamed for the way his mouth dangled; no one could. He was looking at the definitive reason to never disregard an amputee in an iron lung, after all. His eyes locked onto the angrily hissing blade, held by humanity's illustration of a dark lord, and the rhythmic sounds of his artificial breaths send the american's heart racing. Even so, he couldn't quite bring himself to believe what he was looking at.

...that's a nice costume."

When it spoke in reply, he felt that same, ageless fear he'd experienced when he'd first discovered this entity of pure evil. This man, this monster, made the Red Skull look like a schoolyard bully by any comparison. And then, he said the line.

The. Damn. Line.

 _"I find your lack of faith disturbing, captain."_

Uh-oh.

Before he could process that any further the dark lord raised a hand. Steve had all of an instant to recognize the gesture-then he felt the faintest pressure beginning to build in the air around him. Like a subtle charge, building, prickling against his skin. Instinctively his hands flew to his shield-as though it could somehow protect him against the dark lord's wrath. But this strange mystical energy wasn't directed at him. That gauntlet waved itself in the direction of another onrushing wave of Chitar, scattering the creatures from their crafts like a great wind.

Another movement of those stiff, gloved fingers, and they broke.

Slammed against one another, the shrieking aliens could only scream as a giant, invisible hand ground them to a messy pulp against the great buildings of the city. Lowering his arm with a flourish, the sith turned, his helmet cocking a fraction of an inch in Captain America's direction. The blade lowered then rose, snapping up in a stern salute. Then he marched away, leaving the world's first avenger to follow. It wasn't hard, his ally wasn't exactly sprinting; it was more of a stride, really, a slow, lingering pace that allowed him to keep up with the dark lord.

"So I take it you're one of Naruto's friends." he inquired, testing the waters. He wasn't going to ask if this was the genuine article, no sir! He valued his throat! The possibility that their resident deity had convinced such a being to ally with him AND pulled him from his own realm was...well...it was a little uncomfortable, really.

 _"You don't know the power of the dark side."_

An awkward silence passed between them at that.

...that's a yes, I guess."

 _"You are unwise to lower your defenses!"_

 _Oh, crap._

That was all he had time for before the next wave of enemies took them.

* * *

Thor was beginning to think himself quite mad.

Not just in the literal sense of course; he was already livid with his brother for bringing this plight upon earth. No, this madness was of the mental sort, and the companion he now found himself fighting besides. For he could not think to call this dangerous creature-woman-anything less. He might have even thought her a fellow Asgardian, were it not for her garb.

Her skill was unspeakable.

Now, he was no fool, though he knew enough of Midgardian people and customs, he could not recognize this...being. This woman in the blue dress, wielding a weapon he couldn't quite see. A weapon that sliced through his invader after invader, rendering his brother's force moot with each swing. She was a warrior, he could see, her skill with the blade unparalleled, speed unrivalled, greater even than his own. She fought to defend the innocent and the weak time and time again, hurling herself into harms way.

She was impressive to say the last.

Savage, too.

Her blows did not immediately kill; instead she cut grievous trenches into her enemies, leaving them with painful, debilitating wounds. Thor was no stranger to mercy, but even he realized she was aiming to harm more than she was to kill. Bashing in the skull of an unfortunate warrior who'd drawn to close the god of thunder straightened, regarding this fierce, bloody maiden of the battle.

"You fight with great skill."

Green eyes snapped towards him.

...thank you. But I'm not done making them suffer."

"Why not slay them quickly, then?"

"They interrupted my vacation." Saber scoffed, scowling. "Their fate is clear."

"And that is?"

In response, Saber flung herself back into the fray. She danced amongst their foes like the wind itself, her flaxen hair whipping violently behind her as she twisted and spun against the enemy. Energy blasts ricocheted harmlessly of her blade and caromed back the way from whence they had come, its deadly edge cutting apart any whom his hammer missed. A human blur, sparing no one and nothing. A king capable only of inflicting pain and suffering, a blade pointed at foes one and all.

And when it was done her gaze tightened, locking upon the next creature spawning from the gaping hole in the sky. And the tower beneath it.

"That their punishment must be more...severe."

* * *

Hulk liked to smash.

Smashing was what he did best.

He was good at smashing things, grinding them down into small, tiny pieces. It felt good, breaking things. Simple. Cathartic. Something made him angry? Smash it. Something got in your way? Smash that, too. It was a code he'd lived by ever since he'd first come into existence. Break. Smash. Destroy. Repeat. It had served him well when he was angry thus far, and he saw no reason to change it now.

It seemed to serve the "puny god" behind him just as well; the blades tethered to his wrists cut through any that opposed him. Those deadly curved edges proved a never-ending maelstrom of motion. Arcing up, down, let, right to carve Chitari into bloodied chunks. Spinning in a never-ending nexus of gore and pain, Kratos, once the God of War, seemed intent on one thing and one thing only.

Death.

"Puny." Hulk muttered annoyed.

"I have no quarrel with you, beast." the ash-stained warrior growled. "But if you get in my way, I will kill you."

Hulk didn't like that threat, not at all.

So Hulk did what Hulk did best.

SMA-

 _ **"DON'T YOU BLOODY DARE!"**_

An orange streak crashed down from the heavens colliding violently with the two furious men before either could draw blood.

"Guys, guys, guys! I've had a devil of a time tracking you down!" Seeing the murder in their eyes, he thrust himself between them. "C'mon, I put you two together because you're all about being angry! Surely you can put that off for a little bit...right? C'mon, Hulkster!"

"HULK SMASH YOU INSTEAD!"

"And you can do that all you like! AFTER we're finished here! We need to get this shit done!"

Hulk twitched, considering.

Then, with a furious snarl, the giant green monster leaped away.

"You said so yourself boy, we need to end this quickly before others take action." Kratos grimaced, wheeling away as well. "I've no desire to bathe in the flames of Hades once again."

The clone scratched the back of its head.

"Yeah, about that...

* * *

 _(Meanwhile, miles away...)_

 _"No nukes, boys and girls! That'd ruin the fun!"_

 _Fury fought to keep the self-satisfied smile from his face. It proved a battle in and of itself, even as he watched "Naruto" hold a gun to the security council's head. He didn't know how the bastard had gotten there, to be honest, he didn't rightly care. All that mattered was that the damn plane wouldn't be leaving the runway._

 _"Well, I'll be damned..._

* * *

Loki was livid.

Nay, he was beyond even that emotion now, the volcanic fires of his rage had long since crystallized into an icy lake of frozen fury. He could see it all almost perfectly from here, his perch in Stark's oh-so-precious tower as the war raged in the streets and skies below. He daren't leave the device unguarded now, not with _him_ roaming about. He'd been wrong to assume his fellow deity was alone, that he didn't have allies of his own. The buffoon had always seemed more a loner than a team player.

In his folly, he'd assumed he'd finally figured him out.

Now, his army was paying the price of that folly.

Everywhere he looked the Chitari were being torn to pieces, ripped apart, immolated, pierced, perforated with bullets, smashed to bits. They were dying in droves, ships destroyed nearly as swiftly as they emerged from the portal, entire legions cut down by swords, smashed to pieces, torn asunder. And there was nothing he could do about it, short of stepping into the battle himself. That of course, meant almost certain doom. He'd had no intention of fighting with that mad god from the beginning.

Yes, best to stay here, out of sight, out of mind, out of-

"Having fun?"

 _Shit._

Loki spun with a hiss, staff swinging. Its deadly pointed spun towards Stark's liquor cabinet behind him; the one place that had been vacant only moments before. Naruto was standing there, pouring himself a scotch-he drained it as Loki looked on, and went about setting himself another.

"What are you doing here?!" he exclaimed! "You should be down there! With the battle!"

"I, am taking a break," the blond hummed, pouring himself another drink. "Killing is thirsty business. So I thought I'd help myself to Stark's liquor cabinet while I could." He paused, taking another sip. "Ya know, you _do_ pretty good for a man who fell thirty thousand feet in a steel trap. Guess you're tougher than you look. See, this is why we can't have nice things." Draining his class calmly, he ignored it and decided to favor the bottle directly in its stead. "Someone always wants to break 'em. So, any last remarks? Any at all?"

The trickster couldn't even find the words, not at first.

"Right then, might as well get to it."

"Are you enjoying yourself?" Loki seethed, fists clenching at his sides. "Do you revel in making a mockery of me?" he demanded this, stepping forward. "Do you _enjoy_ picking apart my every plot, every scheme, every thought I've ever had? Well?!" Silence answered him as the horned deity set down his glass and stood, began to meander on towards him. "Do you?!" he roared, shrieking! "Are you happy now?! Are you satisfied that you've made an utter fool of me?!"

Naruto paused, cocked his head.

Grinned.

Said:

 _"IMMENSELY."_

And then he struck.

They'd failed to clash before, and Loki was suddenly glad they hadn't. The saber arced down into his staff with a violent crack, swatting the weapon out of his hand, in the next instant, the god's own palm closed around his wrist and yanked, ripping him off the ground and into the-

Ground?

Wham.

Bam.

Slam!

Loki's entire world spun as the blond deity smashed him back and forth into the floor, cratering it with human-shaped impressions. Back. Forth. . By the time he finally reclaimed his senses, the blond was all but crouched over him, still gripping his wrist. Ow. His bones. All his bones. Pain. Pain, with an extra helping of pain! He could barley move anything beyond his arm, and that was still trapped in the god's grip...

"I'd say puny god, but it just doesn't feel right." Naruto hummed, leaning back, releasing him. "Guess I'll go for the next best thing, then."

Before Loki could do more than cry out, even think to defend himself, he lunged at him, arm snapping forward in a sudden, impossible burst of speed. He ripped a kunai-an old memento of his shinobi days-out of from his boot and caught him by the shoulder. Naruto slammed the startled asgardian around, pushing him backwards into the nearest wall and -barely thinking to consider his reactions- rammed the knife into his shoulder until it slammed down on the hilt.

To her credit, he barely even gasped.

"I didn't come here to pick a fight with you, actually," he growled, digging the blade in, "Frankly, you're too entertaining to just kill like that. Still, I _had_ hoped for more. But I won't let you conquer this world. Its just too much fun! So many offshoots, so many...possibilities! Now, if you did something like that, it would ruin my fun. Can't have that. Now, what say you surrender and we end this chapter, already?"

All he received for his words was a scowl.

"Ah, _sentiment."_

Naruto grunted in surprise as a knife arced u and slammed home in his chest.

"Huh. That...tickled."

"Ow." The deadly dagger exploded in his hand, showering him and Loki with shards of broken steel. Lifting his head slowly, he craned his neck loosely and somewhat erratically as he stood, growling in the direction of the baffled Asgardian. There was a twitching, spasmodic movement to his motions. Loki really wasn't at all surprised by it all anymore, now; but if felt as though this were all happening to someone else, that this were nothing more than a dream, and he'd wake up any moment now...

...or not.

"Did you think that would kill me?"

"Honestly, yes." Loki felt like crying. Really, he did. Today just wasn't his day...!

"Ah, ah, ah," Naruto soothed, "When your plan is in ashes...then you have my permission to cry. Lets face it, I really can't kill you. The fangirls would have my hide. And what would happen to the next movie?!"

...I beg your pardon?"

"Right, right, sorry. Fourth Wall break there."

"And what, pray tell, is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, my good man, that I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should."

Oh, dear.

Naruto glared for several seconds without letting up, veins throbbing visibly in his forehead. Those sky blue eyes were cast in shadow, and gleaming with baleful blue light. His lips were curled back almost of their own accord, barring the blond's teeth in a decidedly sly smile.

Then he started to laugh.

"Heh. Hehehehehehe..." It started out deep and booming, the cackle of a man gone mad. "...ehehahahahahaHAHAHAHA!" Then, abruptly, it jumped three octaves, leaping into an insane shriek that left would have left a normal man's hair standing on end, his skin rippling in gooseflesh as that voice skipped into an insane shriek. The clapping didn't certainly didn't help either, the harsh sound of his palms smacking together with a harsh, continuous pop of sound. It was the strangest sound Loki had ever witnessed, and yet at the same time, the most amusing, terrifying sound he'd ever heard.

Abruptly, it cut off.

"Okay, I'm done." he sighed, whiping a bead of sweat from his brow. "You can go go now."

"Go?"

"Aye, the slammer, lockup, whatever you want to call it. Soon as we're done here."

"You're just one man. I won't-

 _Beep._

In that moment, Loki saw it.

The explosives.

Strung up overhead, plastered to the walls, ceiling, even the floor...when had this happened?! How had failed to notice?!

"Yes, my good man, but where you see one man, I, see four. C-4, to be precise." Naruto's head bobbed, slowly, taking in the deadly bombs, each set to five seconds.

"Ah, genjutsu. Gotta love it these days. Now, I'm sure you're thinking, "oh, that won't possibly be enough to close the portal!" but that, is where you'd be wrong." a hand waved merrily. "Wonder where you put your staff, old boy? Did you ever think to, oh, I don't know, lock up the ONE THING that could stop this invasion? No no no, of course you didn't, because that would fuck up the plot! You never even noticed my little clone."

Circling around the stiff Asgardian, he indicated the roof. "See, that's what I LOVE about crack fics. Anything can happen. Anything. Like channeling an explosions. Warping reality. Its really rather easy for a god like me ya know. I've been ready for about...oh...fives minutes now? So yes, YOU failed. And this...

His hand came up, holding the detonator.

...is your _mea culpa._ I can't kill you, but I can damn make sure you don't cause any trouble for a good while. Always did love the simple things."

Loki froze.

"When did you even...?"

"God, remember? I do what I want. And I watch plenty of TFS. Also," a finger slid up under Loki's nose, mockingly, leaving a thick line of black fuzz there. "One last word before we finish...

"You...you insufferable, scum-sucking, miserable excuse for a god! I'll have my revenge! I-

 _...muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuustaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaache."_

Naruto laughed loudly and squeezed the trigger with with a press of the thumb.

The trickster could only find three words as he stared at his new facial hair.

"I hate you."

"I know."

 _THOOM._

* * *

It was a good fireball in Tony's opinion; a _really_ good one. It was the sort of fireball that not even a god would have criticized.

Even ol' boy scout would be impressed.

So bright that it dazzled everyone's eyes, the fire ball exploded a little further back than Naruto had initially projected. An empty building dissolved in a roar, and a flash of flame, spars and splinters from the shattered steel lethal as a thousand arrows loosed by master archers. Chitari were tossed into the air like broken toys, flung from their craft to the merciless ground below. Many were already dead before they struck the ground miles below.

The enemy formation sagged and swayed in place, made uncertain by this sudden and savage display of pyrotechnic power, more timber ignited despite the humidity, tongues of fire licking up and spreading into a sheet of flame.

The entire city shuddered and shook. Tortured screams came to them over the city as countless Chitari shut down, collapsing like lifeless dolls in the streets and buildings. Civilians whooped and cheered at the sight. Even the avengers cheered at the impact. Only Tony watched in silence, inscrutable, as scores of alien perished by the power of the incredible flare. How had the kid done it? It didn't make any sense. _That_ was when he realized precisely _where_ the explosion had come from.

"WHAT THE HELL?! DID HE JUST BLOW UP MY TOWER?! HE _**B** ** _LEW_ UP** _ MY TOWER!"

Somewhere in the distance, Naruto's laughter reverberated for miles on end.

 _"Avengers one, Chitari zero!"_

 **A/N: And there we go. BATTLE CONCLUDED! All hell broke loose, the Marvel Universe knows about Naruto...and just about everyone thinks he's as mad as a hatter. Rightly so!**

 **I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he is (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself, and of course (3) underneath it all still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.**

 **MORE INSANITY COMING NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW! And don't you just love Killa's antics? He's a good boy! Er...most of the time. So, lets clarify here. This Not Going Home Naruto has been to Hellsing Ultimate (Unreleased fic) the Fate Stay Night/Zero universe (Unreleased fic) Alien Isolation (Unreleased fic) Star Wars (Unreleased fic) God of War (Unreleased fic) and many, many more!**

 **So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Its a bit of a teaser and an omake in the same verse! Hope it makes ya smile! I could really use one right about now...AND BY MASS DEMAND, THAR BE THREE! The first one, aye, references events in Winter Soldier as well as Iron Man 3, which is next!**

 **(Preview/Omake!)**

 _"What did you do."_

 _A laugh answered Rogers._

 _"Things." came the reply as the blond hung from the ceiling. What, was he trying to act like that spider-kid or something? "Important things. Terrible things. Technically, unethical things." This momentary thought was immediately washed away by the tide of anger coursing through Captain America. Right. Focus. Peggy was more important than that damn grin of his._

 _"WHAT KIND OF THINGS DID YOU DO?!"_

 _"Well, I wouldn't say do as di-URK!" Naruto actually gurgled a little as Steve's hands wrapped around his throat, ripped him off the ceiling and slammed him into the floor, squeezing. "Owowowow! Why so serious?!" He'd never seen ol' boy scout so furious; which was a given, considering Peggy Carter, the one and only love of his life-despite being old and gray-was currently gone. Absent. Departed from her hospital bed. And Naruto was laughing at him, despite being pinned against the tile, despite Fury's demise, in SPITE of everything._

 _"Where is she?!"_

 _"Places, I'd say-_

 _Before he could get a word in edgewise, Captain America smashed a clenched fist into his face-it actually hurt, too! Even as he opened his mouth to speak, a knee hammered into his stomach, knocking the air out of his supposedly impervious body._

 _"Damn boy scout! Don't get your knickers in a twist! Let me finish!"_

 _Steve growled,_

 _"If you've done ANYTHING to her, I swear-_

 _A hand closed around his wrist and, with surprising strength, pulled him away. Whirling to face this new threat, he raised his shield..._

 _...and froze when he saw Peggy._

 _Young._

 _She looked every bit the woman he'd fallen in love with, so long ago...and she was actually restraining him. She, who should be every bit a normal human, was actually holding him back, preventing him from choking all the life out of a man who-technically-couldn't die. He was still trying to get over the first part. His addled mind struggled to process it, at all. How was she this strong...? How was she back to her old self..?"_

 _"Calm down, Steve." even her voice was the same, like soft, satin sheets tickling his ears. "It's alright. He's...an acquaintance."_

 _"P-Peggy? I...you...how?!"_

 _Naruto croaked from where he lay, face still pressed into the floor._

 _"You're welcome boy scout. Remember, I did say I first visited ya'll during a world war..._

* * *

 _"High as a kite...everything's so bright..._

 _Natasha sighed._

 _"He's high again, isn't he?"_

 _There was an awful silence._

 _"Banner?"_

 _"Yeah...no." the doctor raised his hands. "He's spitting fire. Not going to go near that. Why would I even want to?"_

* * *

 _Naruto couldn't help himself._

 _He laughed._

 _A long, loud guffaw resounded through the wintry forest, broken only by the sound of Tony's helpless sputtering in the suit. **This.** This was what he got for letting his guard down around the blond. Mandarin be damned, he was beginning to seriously consider the prank loving blond to be the real threat here..._

 _"Yes, yes, I know. Pink. Could you help me out?"_

 _The blond shook his head slowly, never wavering from his crouch. "Depends."  
_

 _"On?"_

 _"On which suit I get to keep."_

 _"KEEP?! Over my dead-_

 _"I could always gag you and leave you trussed up for the wolves." the blond interjected politely. "THEN who'd stop the Mandarin. Not me! I'm a very busy man...erm, god."_

 _...fine. You can have the Mark II."_

 _"See? This is why we get along so well!"_

 _ **NARUTO AND TONY ACTUALLY GETTING ALONG?! ZE HORROR!**_

 **R &R~! =D**


	5. On Your Left

**A/N: WARNING! I take shots at a certain disreputable idea by Marvel comics in this chapter. Its all in good fun. I personally don't have an opinion on it one way or the other. Ah, but the characters themselves, now that's a different story.**

 **I RETURN, MY SUBJECTS! And I have this to say...**

 **...MORE THAN FIVE HUNDRED REVIEWS AFTER THE LAST CHAPTER?! THAT'S AWESOME! I LOVE YOU GUYS! Sorry for being gone so long. Haters attacking me and what not. But I'm back, self-esteem and all, and WHOA BOY have I got a few surprises for you guys!**

 **I recently had the privilege of watching CIVIL WAR, and I'll admit, it got me on a bit of a Marvel craze. So I've been working my way through the movies for the last few days, and an hour ago, I watched the first Avengers. One line said by Captain America really stood out for me, so I thought to myself, ah, what the hell. It ought to be fun, writing in a universe like this, one I haven't touched often. I'll continue to write this for shits and giggles, if nothing else.**

 **That's right, folks! Uzumaki Naruto is here, and...**

 **...he ain't going home!**

 **...also...MAJOR CRACK IN THIS CHAPTER! GO AHEAD! LAUGH! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.**

 _"Has anyone yielded to that shield of yours, yet?"_

 _"..."_

 _"Ach, tough crowd!"_

 _~?!_

 **On Your Left**

 _We won, of course._

 _Don't tell me you're surprised!_

 _With a bag of tricks like that an an ENTIRE SUPERHERO ROSTER did you really think we'd lose?! To Loki? Seriously? They would've won even without me! Sure, there was some collateral damage and I may or may not have blown up Tony's tower, but all's well that ends well, right? Good guys win, bad guys lose, good guys go back to whatever they were doing before. All in a day's work and just the way I like it...what? Why are you looking at me like that?_

 _..._

 _..._

 _..._

 _Alright, you got me._

 _Granted, its occasionally fun to see evil triumph, but only rarely. I can count the number of times that I've ever genuinely been the bad guy on my right hand. There was that one time with a mad princess, too...honestly felt bad for her. Ah, but I digress!_ _And if someone wants to raise a stink about a few broken buildings, I say let 'em._

 _What're they gonna do?_

 _Arrest me?_

 _Because that worked out SO well when I was with Rize. Don't ask._

 _Now, where was I?_

 _Let's see...ah. Thor went back to Asgard, and while that's nice and all, I wasn't about to go poking my nose where it didn't belong, not without an invitation. Last time I invaded another god's world...well, it didn't end well for either of us. Bruce was being good ol' Bruce, which is rather boring when you think about it, because he's no fun unless he's angry. Clint and Natasha went back to working for Shield. Also boring. Stark didn't shoot me outright, but he DID toss me out after I "ahem" tried to appropriate one of his suits. What? I wanted to copy the tech and he said no, so...you get the point._

 _Which, in the end, left me with precious little to do._

 _Besides track down a certain running man._

 _Speaking of running..._

* * *

"On your left!"

At first, Steve Rogers didn't recognize the voice. It had been some time since the chaos in New York, after all. Nearly a full year even. He hadn't said much in the way of goodbyes after the battle, a few words here and there, then he'd simply...left. No one had any clue where he might have gone-well, he suspected Stark MIGHT-and to be quite honest, the american was glad to have him gone. After the insanity of that short-lived war with the Chitari he was beginning to suspect that he really _was_ a deity of some sort; that, or he himself was beginning to seriously lose control of his mental faculties.

 _"Don't worry," he'd laughed, winking. "I'll be back."_

If there was any truth to what the self-proclaimed god claimed, he wasn't looking forward to meeting him again. In fact, he'd worked very hard to _forget_ all about him.

Thus, when a blond blur just-so-happened to hurtle past him during his morning run Steve initially didn't give it much thought. And why would he? Lots of people had blond hair. He'd gotten a late start today after all too; had he been running at full tilt he was certain they'd never have passed him to begin with. And it was rather heartening to see he wasn't the only one getting a move on so early in the morn. So on he jogged, not paying it any more mind than he would any other passerby.

Not five minutes later, the man came upon him again.

"On your right!"

Once more Captain America found himself lapped, but this time he managed to glimpse keen blue eyes, before the stranger dashed on ahead of him at a steady pace, long blond braids bouncing in the breeze. Unbidden, Cap slowed slightly, staring at the retreating back. An orange and black jacket. Now wait just a minute. A spark of recognition dawned somewhere inside him and his mind frantically sought to smother it, to no avail. Not a heartbeat later, he heard the sound of running shoes relentlessly advancing on his position.

But this time, instead of passing him, the woman spun to face him, jogging backwards.

"Seriously?" she grinned at him. "Are you that slow?!"

Captain America nearly ran headlong into a tree before he finally recognized the voice, if not the face, disguised as it was. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice...!

"Oh, you have got to be _kidding_ me!"

The blond woman snapped off a merry salute and took to her heels, cackling.

 _"Pretty much! Eat my dust, boy scout!"_

For a fleeting moment he actually kept pace with the blond. Just a moment. Then Naruto streaked past, leaving him to eat dust. By the fifth lap he'd all but broken into a sprint. Even then he wasn't able to keep up, not for long, and he soon found himself eating proverbial dust once more. By the sixth, he'd all but given up. When the horned deity finally circled back around and skidded to a halt to greet him, he was grinning like a man who'd just played the ultimate prank. He'd also shed his distracting guise,

"You should've seen your face! Ha! The good ol' Sexy Jutsu! Get's em every time. It certainly got your attention!"

...I hate you so much right now." he gasped out. "Since when can you do that?"

"What, that old trick?" Naruto snickered softly to himself. "It's an old favorite. You'd be amazed how easily someone drops their guard when they see a half-naked buxom blond in a string bikini. Believe me, you got off easy. I skipped half my usual routine for you!"

Rogers frowned.

"Aw, c'mon! Don't be like that." the horned deity admonished him, clapping the super soldier on the back with a clawed hand to elicit a startled grunt. "I mean, you're no Flash, but you nearly made me work for it a bit there towards the end! That's more than most can claim."

"Flash?"

"Meh, no one important." the dimension-hopping ninja shrugged, plopping down beside him, "Wears red spandex, runs real fast, thinks he's hot shit but really isn't."

...sounds a little off to me."

"This from a man who wears red-white-and-blue." a hand waved and Steve started, mildly alarmed to find the blond holding his beloved shield in hand. "Anyone yielded to this shield of yours, yet?"

The silence was telling.

"Alright, alright." Naruto edged back, returning the prize possession and raising his arms in self-defense. "I can take a hint. Here. Have a Gatorade. On me."

Steve looked to find, that he did in fact, have a blue bottle in his hand. One that hadn't been there before!

"How did you...?"

"God, remember?" the reality breaker wagged a finger, "Simple shit like that's easy. You asketh, and I giveth! Now drink up. Replenish those electrolytes!"

For a fleeting moment, the world fell silent, broken only by the sound of morning crickets.

"You're still in hot water, you know." Steve said after a moment, finally getting his breath back as he drank. "Fury isn't happy with you. Mass destruction, threatening the council, not to mention what you did with that skyscraper...

"What skyscraper?"

"The orange one."

"Oh...

"...ha!"

The horned deity somehow managed to trip over his own two feet despite sitting and tumbled to the ground, clutching his sides in a vain attempt to stave off his laughter. Needless to say, he failed. Spectacularly. At first, Steve Rodgers didn't rightly understand. One, why the horned demi-god was following him in the first place and two why he was laughing; by rights it was a serious matter, and Fury had been utterly serious when he'd said it. Yet, Naruto continued to laugh, rolling about the grass as though it were the funniest thing in the world for some reason.

"What's so funny?"

"Tell me," he exclaimed, whipping a mirthful tear from his cheek, "How can Fury _fire_ me if I was never a part of the team to begin with?! You can tell Samuel L. Jackson that if he wants me gone, he needs to come down off his high helipad and tell me himself. Oh, and tell him I want his eye-patch. Or lightsaber. Whichever."

"You've lost me again."

"Sorry, sorry," Naruto apologized, tilting his head back against the tree. "Obligatory fourth wall break, there. Speaking of breaking, have you seen Nat? She's surprisingly hard to track down."

"You're just all over the place today, aren't you?"

"Let me answer your question with another question." the blond retorted, pulling himself upright. "Ever heard of Multiverse theory?"

...no?"

"Well in one universe, you were a sleeper agent for Hydra."

The captain snorted without thinking.

"That's the most absurd thing I've heard. And I've heard a _lot_ of strange things since they defrosted me."

"See, that's what I thought, too." the blond mirrored his disgust with a small shudder of his own. "Bunch of crap, that. I mean, you, working for Hydra? Who in their right mind thought that was a good idea?! Blame the comic writers. I mean, they took it back eventually but, ugh! It just felt wrong. I was half-tempted to pop in and wipe them off the face of the map for that."

"Then why don't you?"

Naruto actually blinked. "Why don't I snap my fingers and end it all? I'll tell ya why...

...because that's just no fun!

"So...why _are_ you here? Really."

"Really? No bullshit?"

"Language."

"Aaaand?"

 _"Naruto!"_

"Alright, jeez! Party pooper. See, I've been doing some thinking lately." the annoyed being confessed, plopping his head into a hand. "A LOT of thinking, which is actually pretty rare for me when you stop to think about it. I mean, I like this place. I like it alot. There's no end of fun to be had here. Seriously-I haven't even seen a fifth of it yet! You guys are awesome! Especially with all the shit's that's happened-or going to happen-while I'm away. But then I thought to myself, Naruto, you're being greedy. All you do is take, take, and take again. Why don't you give back once in awhile? Why don't you imrpove things! My wife agreed. You're my first stop-

"You have a wife?!"

An eyebrow twitched.

"Several, actually. Now would you kindly stop interrupting?" At his silence, he continued. "I wanted to show-give you something, actually. You'll like it, I promise."

Steve stood swiftly, not liking the look in his ally's eye.

"I'll...pass."

"But I haven't even told you what it is, yet!" Naruto whined. "Here, just hold still and I'll-

"No, no, no, don't you-

POP.

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

 _-dare!"_

By the time Steve finally found his voice, he was no longer anywhere near the Smithsonian. In fact, the room actually looked rather familiar, now that his vision had cleared. Painfully so. There were the flowers he'd left for her only a few days ago, still fresh and vibrant in their vase. His mind caught up a moment later. No. No, he couldn't possibly be here. Naruto had never struck him as the cruel sort. Unhinged, perhaps, and prone to mischievous fits of course, but he'd never struck him as someone who would deliberately do something to hurt another human being.

"Notice anything missing, boy scout?" the blond's voice chimed.

A splinter of icy dread plunged through his heart when he saw the empty bed.

"What did you do."

A laugh answered Rogers.

"...things." came the eventual reply. His gaze snapped up, startled to find the deity all but hanging from the ceiling, hishair hanging down like a wild mane. What, was he trying to act like that spider-kid or something? "Important things. Terrible things. Technically, unethical things. Things that broke the laws of ethics and physics." This momentary thought was immediately washed away by the tide of anger coursing through Captain America. Right. Focus. Peggy was more important than that damn grin of his.

"WHAT KIND OF THINGS DID YOU DO?!"

"Well, I wouldn't say do as di-UGACH!" Naruto actually _gurgled_ a little as Steve's hands wrapped around his throat, ripped him off the ceiling and slammed him into the floor, squeezing. "Owowowow! Why so serious all of a sudden?! I didn't hurt her, I swear by the log!" He'd never seen ol' boy scout so furious; which was a given, considering Peggy Carter, the one and only love of his life-despite being old and gray-was currently gone. Absent. Departed from her hospital bed. And Naruto was laughing at him, despite being pinned against the tile, despite the fingers on his neck, in SPITE of everything.

"Where is she?!"

"Places, I'd say-

Before he could get a word in edgewise, Captain America smashed a clenched fist into his face-it actually hurt, too! Even as he opened his mouth to speak, a knee hammered into his stomach, knocking the air out of his supposedly impervious body.

"Damn boy scout! Don't get your knickers in a twist! Let me finish!"

Steve growled.

"If you've done ANYTHING to her, I swear-

A hand closed around his wrist and, with surprising strength, pulled him away. Whirling to face this new threat, he raised his shield...

...and froze when he saw Peggy.

His mind short-circuited.

Young.

She looked every bit the woman he'd fallen in love with, so long ago...and she was actually restraining him. She, who should be every bit a normal human, was actually holding him back, preventing him from choking all the life out of a man who-technically-couldn't die. He was still trying to get over the first part. His addled mind struggled to process it, at all. How was she this strong?! How was she back to her old self?! His gaze all but snapped back to Naruto, who, oddly enough, wasn't resisting...

"Calm down, Steve." even her voice was the same, like soft, satin sheets tickling his ears. "It's alright. He's...an acquaintance."

"P-Peggy? I...you...how?!"

"Ahem." Naruto croaked from where he lay, face still pressed into the floor. "Not a bad guy here, boy scout. Remember, I did say I first visited ya'll during a world war...can I get up, now?"

Reluctantly, Steve released him.

"Thanks. Ow! Quite the grip you've got there!"

"Why?"

"Why?" Naruto hissed quietly, rubbing his neck as he righted himself. "Presents, remember? Jeez, you tell a man one thing and he starts throwing punches five minutes later before I can explain, _'ttebayo!_ I couldn't think of anything else to cheer you up, boy scout. So I decided to put my, erm, talents to good use." He cast an arm at the slightly-flushed Peggy. "Now you can have that dance. And many more! I sir, believe I am owed a thank you."

"I...don't know what to say."

"A thank you would be nice." the blond repeated with a huff. "Time isn't easy to fuck with, even for me!"

Something about the way he worded that gave the good captain pause.

"This isn't just about her, is it?"

For a moment, Steve suspected Naruto was going to pull a page from his old plabyook-that he would simply bail out the window and leave them to his own devices. Imagine his surprise then, when he stayed. In the end he sighed, shoulders sagging. "Nope." he relented, his smile collapsing for a brief second. "Is isn't." But only just. Peggy must've seen it as well; because she stiffened.

"What are you on about?" she asked.

Blue eyes glinted devilishly.

"Cap, what would you do if I told ya you really WERE working for Hydra...but just didn't know it? Yet."

"And?" Steve posited.

"What, just like that?" the blond blinked, momentarily taken aback. "Seriously? And here I had a big ol' explanation lined up to make you believe me! There was even a slideshow and a power-point describing how they infiltrated SHIELD and-

 _"What?!"_

"What do you want?" Peggy interjected quickly, interrupting him. "If you're telling us this then you must have some sort of proof."

"Well, yes, actually. But as to what I want?" Naruto grinned, spreading his arms wide. "I thought that would be obvious."

In the end, the answer didn't surprise Captain America one bit.

" _I want to play the mother of all pranks on them."_

 **A/N: And there we go. ONTO WINTER SOLDIER and all the chaos to come before and after! Prepare to pity Hydra!**

 **After all, just about everyone thinks he's as mad as a hatter.**

 **Rightly so!**

 **I tried my best to capture the classic humor of the Marvel franchise here. And yes, this is post-war Naruto, who is nearly a God in his own right thanks to a certain Rabbit Goddes. Why doesn't he act like it? Partially because he is (1) easily bored, (2) has been hopping dimensions and messing with reality simply to amuse himself, and of course (3) underneath it all still our favorite blond, he's just...a tad more unhinged that usual.**

 **MORE INSANITY COMING NEXT CHAPTER! LOOK FORWARD TO IT, YA KNOW! And don't you just love Killa's antics? He's a good boy! Er...most of the time. So, lets clarify here. This Not Going Home Naruto has been to Hellsing Ultimate (Unreleased fic) the Fate Stay Night/Zero universe (Unreleased fic) Alien Isolation (Unreleased fic) Star Wars (Unreleased fic) God of War (Unreleased fic) and many, many more!**

 **So...In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly! And of course, enjoy the Preview! Its a bit of a teaser and an omake in the same verse! Hope it makes ya smile! I could really use one right about now...AND BY MASS DEMAND, THAR BE THREE ONCE MORE! The first one, aye, references events upcoming as well as Iron Man 3, which is next!**

 **(Preview/Omake!)**

 _"English, motherfucker! Do you speak it?"_

 _"Depends. Will you stop being a badass?"_

 _"Hell no!"_

 _"There you go!"_

* * *

 _"No."_

 _"What do you mean, no?"_

 _"NOPE NOPE NOPE! NOPING THAT SOMETHING FIERCE!"_

 _Naruto looked all of three seconds from crawling under a table and hiding until everyone was gone. No, wait. He already had! When Stark turned his gaze he found the table-cloth had all but fled from the table and was no half across the room, physically shuddering. If that weren't noticeable enough, he could see a pair of red horns jutting through the fabric. Unbidden, a snicker escaped him._

 _Tony couldn't help himself after that._

 _He laughed._

 _"This is great. No, seriously. Who would've thought you were afraid of ghosts?!"_

 _A pair of angry blue eyes poked out from under the table._

 _"I swear revenge!_

* * *

 _Now it was Naruto's turn to laugh._

 _A long, loud guffaw resounded through the wintry forest, broken only by the sound of Tony's helpless sputtering in the suit. **This.** This was what he got for letting his guard down around the blond. Mandarin be damned, he was beginning to seriously consider the prank loving blond to be the real threat here..._

 _"Yes, yes, I know. Pink. Could you help me out?"_

 _The blond shook his head slowly, never wavering from his crouch. "Depends."_

 _"On?"_

 _"On which suit I get to keep."_

 _"KEEP?! Over my dead-_

 _"I could always gag you and leave you trussed up for the wolves." the blond interjected politely. "THEN who'd stop the Mandarin. Not me! I'm a very busy man...erm, god."_

 _...fine. You can have the Mark II."_

 _"See? This is why we get along so well!"_

 _ **R &R~! =D**_


End file.
